Archive of ‘Self-Esteem’ category

How To Tell Your Child You Love Them

Love is such a special feeling we experience with others, especially with a parent towards their child. There are many ways to show your child you love them without just saying it. Each child receives love differently, depending on what they are most comfortable with. Test these out and see what works the best for your kiddo, and, of course, feel the love!

1. Spend One-on-One Time Together

It’s so valuable to spend one-on-one time with each of your children, even if it’s 30 minutes every week. Pick the same day and time each week if possible so it’s a “date” your child looks forward to every week. Allow your child to pick the activity they enjoy. Devote all your focus on them and the activity they chose. This time should just be you and your child, nothing else. 

2. Listen and Reflect Feelings

Your child shares aspects that are important to them with you. Make sure they feel acknowledged and prioritized when they share those aspects. Put down your phone when they are talking and make eye contact while appearing interested. Reflect any feelings you are noticing in them or in yourself. Reflecting allows for you to understand your child and for your child to feel understood and connected by you.

3. Hug Them

Physical touch is a critical part in fostering a loving and trusting relationship with your child. Hug them, cuddle with them, high-five them, hold their hand, sit or lay with them on the couch. Be near them and show them you are physically there for them.

4. Create a Routine Together

Having your child assist in building their routine allows for esteem building and creates trust together. It also allows having a set schedule to provide safety and consistency for your child’s life, especially during the school semester when tasks feel more hectic. 

5. Share Strengths

When you notice a strength in your child, tell them. Tell them everyday. You are showing your belief in them, which allows for them to grow into that and believe in themselves as well.

6. Family Meetings

Having a family meeting to discuss topics that effect everyone, should include everyone’s voice. Allow your child to brainstorm on where to go for dinner or what changes need to be made at home to assist the family in working together. This acknowledges you care about their voice and value their opinion. This assists with feelings of belonging and security.

7. Be Patient

Having kids can be extremely challenging and stressful. Some days you just want to scream and run away. Breathe. Take care of yourself and figure out what helps you feel calm and regulated. You are the example at the house to show how to handle big feelings. 

8. Laugh Out Loud

Laughter can feel like the best medicine. Be silly with your child and allow for good times to roll together. Laughing can bring you both even closer towards one another.

9. Acknowledge When You’re Wrong

We are certain to make mistakes, we are only human. How we are able to recover and how we handle our mistakes is what makes the difference rather than the act itself. Do not be afraid to admit you were wrong to your child. This shows them that it is okay to admit when you have done something you should not have or misspoken.

10. Surprise them

Establishing that routine is crucial to consistent growth but an unexpected surprise shows your child you’re thinking of them, even when they aren’t around. This can be as small as bringing their favorite snack when being picked up from school, putting a sweet note in their lunchbox, or bringing home something from the store that reminded you of them.

Written by: Sumayah Downey, MA, LPC-Associate, NCC Supervised by Cristy Ragland, LPC-S, LMFT-S, RPT-S


An Open Letter to 2020-2021 College Students

Dear College Students,   

What a year it has been for you all. I want to speak to you directly because I feel that the unique ways you have had to adjust to the myriad changes that have occurred this year are often overlooked. I work with college students in my clinical practice, and I want to reassure you that your grief and disappointment are real and justified. 

I remember watching the news in the early months of the COVID-19 pandemic and hearing that elderly individuals and college students were most at risk. I was grateful to hear someone acknowledge how difficult this time has been for you all. Not only have you had to pivot to virtual learning and face an increased risk of exposure to COVID-19, but you have been isolated from your friends and social gatherings. With limited access to these social supports, it is expected that you would feel depleted.    

In college, your friends are more like family. You live with them, you go to class and study with them, and you share your life with them in ways that were not always possible with your childhood friends. These friendships engender a level of relational intimacy that is seldom replicated during other times in your life. Moreover, you are in a stage of human development wherein you are forming your identity in the context of your relationships with others. This is precisely why it has felt like such an insurmountable task to quarantine apart from your peers and refrain from connecting with them regularly. 

You have probably heard many people tell you that college will be “the best four years of your life.” College is certainly a fun and exciting time, but it is not devoid of hardship and adversity. When you feel sad, scared, or lonely, you start to think you are doing something wrong because you are not having the time of your life. The pandemic has added another emotional reaction to this lofty expectation for your college years: anger. 

I have heard so many of my clients express how frustrated and devastated they are that they are not having the college experience they always imagined. Please understand that it is normal to feel this way. We are all grieving the loss of our pre-COVID realities, and your “new normal” has been anything but normal. Your old assumptions no longer fit your current circumstances, and accepting this is no small task. 

I know how easy it can be to compare your struggles to those of others. People in our community and around the world are suffering. This pandemic has taken loved ones, jobs, and our sense of safety and security. However, you are not immune to the damage it has caused, and your distress is worthy of care and attention. 

To quote Brené Brown, “empathy is not finite, and compassion is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There is more. Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”

I want to remind you of how resilient you are. You forged your own path by going to college and building a life apart from your family. This requires courage, and doing so amidst a global pandemic has tested you in ways you never thought possible. I challenge you to practice self-compassion by treating yourself how you would treat someone you love. You are weathering this pandemic the best you can, and your best is always enough.  

For Reference: 

“Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW

“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff, Ph.D.

Written By: Claire Taylor, LPC- Associate Supervised by Lora Ferguson, LPC-S 


The Benefits of Committing to a Long-Term Relationship with a Therapist

Therapy. Sometimes we get the idea to enter therapy when life is going smooth, but we’d like to tend to our self-growth anyway. More often we get the idea to enter therapy when something traumatic has occurred in our lives or we’ve tried everything else we could think of first (aka we’re desperate).

We want something to change, and we want it to change fast because we’re tired of feeling this way.

We may still be hesitant to hand over our time and money to a therapist, but we bargain with ourselves. “I can commit to this for a few months.” And we do. And things may start to feel a little better. The storm settles. We’ve had some time to process. Things might even feel somewhat normal again.

We did what we said we would do. We stuck it out for a few months.

And all the thoughts start swirling in our heads about why it might be a good time to say goodbye:

We’re feeling better.

Money’s a little tight.

It’s not always fun to show up and be vulnerable.

Do we really need this? Or is it an unnecessary luxury? There are so many other responsibilities to manage.

I say this all from firsthand experience. These were the thoughts I bumped into after seeing my therapist for a few months (yes, therapists see therapists too).

Afterall, they’re valid and convincing thoughts.

And yet, I decided to stick with my therapist anyway. Something told me these reasons to leave were emerging as a convenient way to avoid digging deeper.

Now, six months later, I realize I was on the verge of doing some real work with my therapist. Work that has already and will continue to shift my life in some powerful ways. 

It’s not always comfortable, but I’m glad I’ve stayed.

Here are some reasons I’ve come to believe in the value of committing to a long-term relationship with a therapist:

1. Trust and safety take time

In therapy, the relationship is key. The amount of trust and safety you feel with your therapist determines how authentically and vulnerably you’re able to show up. And trust and safety take time. Think about the people you’re truly yourself with. How long have you known them? I once had a mother of a client I see reach out to me concerned. Her son told her he wasn’t being completely honest with me. I had seen him for five sessions. I told her I probably wouldn’t be honest with me either at this point. Trust in a relationship takes time.

2. Deep-seated patterns don’t change overnight

Oftentimes, when we begin therapy, we become aware of patterns that have been part of our lives for years, maybe even decades. And even if they’re not healthy patterns, they’ve become part of how we operate and even part of our identities. There can be a lot of delicate untangling to do. And after we untangle, we have to learn new ways of being and operating. These kinds of shifts understandably take time.

3. Therapy is continuously empowering

Even if you’re not facing something acutely stressful in your life, there is a lot of beneficial work that can be done in therapy. For fifty minutes, you are turning inward, slowing down, practicing being with yourself and your emotions, expanding your capacity for feeling, and taking responsibility for the state of your life. All of this creates a more mindful approach to living that then ripples out and affects the rest of your week. The decisions you make. The behaviors you choose. You begin to have more say in your life. Even if you’re not in crisis, it is always empowering to slow down and become more aware of how you’re feeling, what you’re needing, and what you’re choosing. 

4. Your mental health matters

In a world where self-care usually falls to the bottom of the barrel in comparison to work and responsibilities, carving out an hour each week in which you choose your mental health is a gift you give yourself that fosters a kinder, gentler relationship with yourself where your feelings matter.

5. You learn how to be with your emotions

Everywhere else in our lives, the people who care about us want to offer solutions. When we tell them what we’re going through, they instinctively want to fix it. Quickly. As a result, we are constantly taken away from simply experiencing our emotions. Therapy may be the only place in your life where you can truly be with your experience. Not only is this healing, but it deepens your ability to be with your feelings. When we don’t know how to be with our feelings, we run away and distract ourselves. We blame others. We act out. As we learn how to be with our feelings in therapy, our worlds start to feel safer. We learn how to allow. We take more deep breaths. We react less and thoughtfully respond more. 

6. You learn how to be honest and how liberating it is

To have a place where you can just. be. yourself. Most of the time, we have to consider the feelings of others. We modify or perform in some manner. In therapy, where it just gets to be about you, not the expectations of others, you begin to speak truth in a way you may never have before. As a result, your life starts to feel more honest.

7. Life is constantly offering us opportunities for growth

Short-term therapy is based on the idea that there’s a problem to be fixed. Fix the problem and you’re good to go. But the thing is, that’s not how life works. Life is a continuous process of growth and change. Once we reach the top of one mountain, another appears. Long-term therapy acknowledges this. It acknowledges that to be human, with all of our unique emotions and fears, challenges us in an ongoing manner. It acknowledges that the whole reason we’re here is to keep stepping into growth and to keep doing the work so our lives continue to feel alive and rewarding. Long-term therapy acknowledges that change is constant and so support should be constant too.

Long-term therapy provides a safe and empowering shelter where you continue to grow, heal, and nurture the relationship you have with yourself and life. A therapist is a wonderful resource to support you on your journey. 

Written By: Jamie Alger, LPC-Associate Supervised by Lora Ferguson, LPC-S


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