Archive of ‘General’ category

Tips From a Therapist: Finding the Right Therapeutic Fit

During COVID-19, our mental health matters a great deal. Though nearly all therapists at Austin Family Counseling are seeing clients virtually, finding the right therapist is more essential now than it has been. With the upcoming election, a lot of us need to put ourselves first. And this looks like finding a therapist who not only has the correct licenses and qualifications but also has the right personal fit. Studies show that regardless of the therapist’s education and acquired techniques, if the personality is too different than the client’s, very little therapeutic growth will happen in the relationship. 


What kinds of counselors work for different clients? Obviously, counselors have to be warm and empathic, but there have been instances where certain clients do not mesh well with certain counselors. Each counselor-client relationship has a different kind of synergy in the counseling room, and there are many different components that make for a great therapeutic process. Below are three main factors that go into making a therapeutic relationship between a therapist and a client work:

Personality Type

Typically, extraverted personalities gravitate toward other extraverted personalities. Just as introverted personalities, though more hidden than extraverts, gravitate toward introverted personalities. For example, extraverts have lower brain arousal and consistently search for higher stimulation in everyday life. If an extravert was seeing an introverted counselor and processed in session ways that they are seeking higher stimulation such as social events, an introvert would probably not be able to empathize as well as another extraverted therapist would.

Age Range

In many general inquiries, I will get clients seeking a therapist close to their age. While I do have a wide and diverse range of clients, most of the potential clients who ask for me specifically tend to be in my same age range. This is perhaps because clients need an empathetic presence to validate their life stages (starting a career or a business, graduating from college, starting a family, etc.). In some instances, having a younger therapist is at an advantage. Statistics show that families who go to family therapy have better results when the therapist is younger because the children of the family feel more validated and less ganged up on in session.

Therapeutic Approach

There is no one kind of therapeutic technique that works for every client. Each person walks into my office on the first visit with different experiences, different perspectives, and different realities. This is why that even though I have specific training on several main kinds of therapy, I allow my clients to tell me what they are comfortable with in the room. Some therapists have staunch views on what works for their clients, and other therapists have a more laidback, non-specific approach. I like to remain right in the middle of these two. No matter how much research there can be on one kind of therapeutic approach, there is always one client who will not be an ideal fit for it. With this understanding in mind, I maintain a firmly gentle approach, letting my clients do most of the work while still gently challenging them using various techniques I have learned.

Written By: Ian Hammonds, LPC, LMFT

Interested in learning more about what therapy looks like from the client’s perspective? Check out this blog!


How to Fight *Fairly

As we continue to live in a socially distant world, we may be finding ourselves spending more time with our partners and/or family members, inevitably increasing the likelihood of conflict and/or miscommunication. 

Conflict in relationships is normal — the way we choose to “fight” defines whether or not the conflict is healthy or unhealthy. 

Here are some tips for fighting fairly with your loved ones:

Start with curiosity versus judgment – notice the conflict cycle. Ask yourself:

  1. What role am I playing in the conflict? Notice how you are usually reacting – defensiveness? Yelling? Walking away? What could your reaction be telling you? Is a boundary of yours being crossed? Are you carrying a responsibility that you don’t need to? Be curious about your reactions by simply noticing them versus judging them or being hard on yourself – you’re human!
  2. What headspace am I in when entering a conversation with my loved one that turns into conflict? Chances are you may be entering into important conversations while already feeling dysregulated from the day – lots of work calls, managing the kids new online school, running errands (let’s be real – we all have a lot going on as we continue to  adjust to life in a pandemic). Start with taking some time to take care of yourself – this can be something you do for 5 minutes of the day to an hour!
  3. When are my loved one and I usually having these conversations that turn into conflict? Set a time for important conversations so you both have time to regulate before entering the conversation.

Reframe. View the goal of conversations as finding a solution to the problem versus winning. 

  1. You and loved one versus the issue NOT you versus your loved one

Use I-statements.

The two words that often increase the likelihood of defensiveness in the person being spoken to are, “Why” and “You” when used to start a question or statement. Try the I-statement model instead, starting with how YOU are feeling versus what your loved one is DOING.

  1. “I feel ______ when ______. I need ______. What do you think?”

Repeat back what you heard BEFORE answering.

When we repeat back what we heard our loved one say first, we focus more on listening BEFORE coming up with our own response. 

  1. “I heard you say ________. Did I get that right?”

Ask for a break.

If you find yourself or your loved one escalating emotionally – name it AND choose a time to reconnect. It is impossible to have a productive conversation when we are only speaking from an emotional place – logic is no longer present.

  1. “I’m getting angry. Can we talk about this again in an hour?”

Incorporating even one of these tips into your communication pattern will inevitably change the conflict cycle you and your loved one may be engaging in.

Practice.

Practicing these tips is synonymous to learning a new language. 

Learning to communicate is difficult! Give yourself compassion as you navigate this process. Lean in to what you are needing in a healthy way. Wishing you all fair, healthy fighting! 

Written By: Sarah Shah, M.S., LPC-Intern 
Supervised by Martha Pasiminio, LPC-S


Find Your Peace in a Calm Down Place

Toddlers have a funny way of outwardly showing how most of us feel inwardly, especially lately. I am sure most of you experience the toddler meltdown that can come simply from blocks falling over, to a sibling touching their favorite toy, to not liking how you cut up their sandwich. We all have a mental picture of what this moment looks like, right?

After many of these moments happening at my house, I decided to implement something I teach to other kids and families often. The idea of a calm down place. The idea is as simple as it sounds. It is a tool used in schools often, and it can easily be adapted to your specific home setting. 

Cultivating the Space

The first step is to gather things to put in the calm down place. Depending on your child’s age, I would suggest getting their input for the items. For my two year old he wanted cookies only in his calm down area, so I picked most of the items. However, he has since added a few of his own items (see below).

Pick A Location

The second step is to decide where and how this area will look and what will be most helpful for each specific child. You know your house and child best. Maybe one kid likes this area in the loud and busy main space of the house and another may want it in a quiet small closet. I would also encourage you here to get your kids input. For my house, a small plastic bin with a lid works best given our space constraints, baby crawling sister, and want for it to be easy to transport from room to room as needed. Think outside the box as to what would work best for your child and for your space. 

Practice

The last step is to take time to teach and practice using the calm down space. It is a new idea and with any new concept, children need time to learn and practice. It may not go well the first or 24th time you practice and try using it. I would encourage you to help find a few times when the calm down place could be used successfully. This may mean that you suggest using this area before a full blow melt down happens. Once a child has felt some success they are more likely to repeat what helped them feel better. Finally, after you and your child have calmed down, it can be helpful to check in and have them identify what they were feeling and what helped them successfully calm down. You can model by sharing your feelings and how you calmed down as well. Celebrate the successful calm down. The length of time it took is not important!

Examples

Here are a few ideas and pictures of how simple this idea can be to bring to life. Some items that are helpful to include are something sensory, like a squishy ball, hard smooth toys or stones, musical items, art items (if your child can be trusted to keep supplies on paper), or a soft blanket. Another item we love at our house is books. Books of any kind work; feelings books, picture books, or novels. I also like to include some form of feelings identifying tool. This could be feelings cards, a journal, or a feelings faces chart. Get creative and have fun building this special place with your kid. 

I have learned the more your kid can help in creating something the more they will use it.  

Also, don’t leave your older children or yourself out! Do this with your teen or by yourself. 

Couldn’t we all use a place and a reminder to recenter and find our peace?!?

Written by: Kirby Schroeder, LPC-S, LMFT-S

Interested in even more ways to find peace during this stressful time? Check out this blog.


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