Archive of ‘Connection’ category

Rethink Resolutions: Set a Theme for the New Year

As 2019 quickly comes to an end and a new year (and a new decade!) begins, people are quickly scrambling to think of New Year’s Resolutions to set for themselves to start a “New Year, New Me”.  The Cambridge Dictionary defines New Year’s Resolutions as “a promise you make to yourself to start doing something good or stop doing something bad on the first day of the year”. According to a quick Google search, the top 10 New Year’s Resolutions include:

  • Diet or eat healthier
  • Exercise more
  • Lose weight
  • Save more & spend less
  • Learn a new skills or hobby
  • Quit smoking
  • Read more
  • Find another job
  • Drink less alcohol
  • Spend more time with family & friends

While people who set up resolutions (either like the ones above or any other goal they set for themselves), it often sets them up to feel disappointed because if/when they don’t reach their goal, they feel like they’ve failed.  I am not anti-New Year’s Resolutions, by the way, I think they’re a good idea, in theory, but setting yourself up for failure, essentially, doesn’t seem like a good way to start anything.  So rather than setting a New Year’s Resolution for yourself, I want to encourage you to set a theme for the new year. 

What is a New Year Theme? 

The Oxford dictionary defines “theme” as:

  • The subject of a talk, a piece of writing, a person’s thoughts, or an exhibition; a topic.
  • An idea that recurs in or pervades a work of art or literature.
  • Give a particular setting or ambience. 

In simpler terms…a theme is the main idea or underlying meaning; when setting a theme for yourself for the new year, you are ultimately looking for the main idea (or ideas) in your life.  Life themes are generally made up of keywords that represent your highest values; each value gives you a starting point for defining the major themes of your life.  

How to Identify Your Theme

There is not one right or wrong way to do this.  To get an idea of where to start, though, you need to create a space where you can intentionally think about your values–what do you most value, seek out, and love to experience?  Need some help?  No worries!  Below is a list of universal values (also–please feel free to add your own!)  Take time to look over the list and find the words that resonate with you the most.  One you pick (however many you choose), try to narrow it down to the top 3-5.  Once you determine these 3-5 values, this will be the foundation for the theme you want to set for yourself.  Your theme can be just the word or you can create a sentence with it. 

For example:

  • Wisdom. (This is a perfectly good theme for the new year!)
  • I want to impart wisdom to people around me who are curious and would love to spend time with people who are wiser than me so I can learn from those I value and respect.  (Again…perfectly good theme for the new year!)

I can’t say this enough…but there is no right/wrong way to do this.  This is totally for you. 

Once you find the right words for your life theme, you will start to see a connection between the way you look at and move through the world.  Use these connections to guide you and the way you look at life, challenges, obstacles, and opportunities that come your way. 

Things to Keep in Mind

First and foremost, there isn’t one right way to do this.  I know I’ve said that multiple times…but it’s because it’s ABSOLUTELY true.  Keep that in mind while you keep these other pointers in mind:

  • We likely need several themes. 
    • It is unlikely that you’ll have JUST one theme in your life (although it’s totally okay if you do!) 
  • Life themes do NOT happen overnight.
    • This process takes time!  It’s not something that you should rush or force.  As life happenings occur, some stories in your life end while others begin–momentum unfolds with each page in the story of your life.  So be patient and kind to yourself as you are evaluating what makes most sense for you. 
  • Understanding our theme keeps us engaged and intentionally living. 
    • A theme in your life is not intended to live a certain life and dictate what you can or cannot do.  Rather, it is intended to help you determine how to handle celebrations & challenges and everything in between.

Above all, be true to you and set a theme (or themes) for your life that will allow you to live your best, most authentic self.  After all, that’s what the ultimate goal is…right? 

List of Values:

  • Life
  • Peace
  • Wisdom
  • Creation
  • Sacred
  • Love
  • Energy
  • Potential
  • Connection
  • Justice
  • Perspective
  • Growth & Change
  • Balance
  • Renewal
  • Truth
  • Nature
  • Consciousness
  • Evolving
  • Harmony
  • Play
  • Understanding
  • Order & Chaos
  • Unity
  • Freedom
  • Happiness
  • Soul
  • Rejuvenation

Need some extra guidance with setting your theme for the new year?  Check out this blog by Katy Manganella on setting intentions for the new year.  It’s a great place to start! 

By: Julie Burke, LPC
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The Misbehaving Student…and How to Help Them

It is the most difficult children who often need us the most.  We hear from people working in schools that consequences and suspensions do not seem to change their behavior.  Core curriculum, testing and other requirements are putting an incredible burden on teachers. These challenging students are often the tipping point for a class.

What these misbehaving children are really looking for is to feel like they belong in the class, and that they are cared about.

Many of the misbehaving children have had things happen in their young lives that cause them to distrust others.  They may not have been fed or had their physical needs taken care of as babies, so they do not understand “if-then” thinking – if I cry, I get fed.  If I act out in class, then there are consequences. Some may be dealing with abuse or neglect of them or a parent, drugs or alcohol in the home, or violence.  They may feel they always have to be “on guard”, to protect themselves. 

All it takes is one adult to make a difference a child’s life.

So what can be done to help?  Here are some ways to build relationships with these most difficult children:

  • Get to where you can speak face to face with them.   Speak calmly and slowly. If you remain calm, it will help them to calm down.
  • Express an understanding of how they are feeling, saying “It seems like you are really angry.  Tell me more.” And then listen.
  • Ask them what you can do to help them.  They may need a break from being in the class, so asking if they would like to bring something to the office or another class may help.
  • Focus on building the relationship.  As trust is built, they may question it, as they may not have had a trusting relationship with an adult before. 

It is important to have patience and give it time.  These children likely have had years of bad relationships with adults.  As the relationship builds, the whole class benefits. There will be less disruptions, and more teachable time.  You can be that “one adult” for this child!

Written by: Carol Dores

Carol is a Certified Positive Discipline Trainer. She has worked with educators and staff of preschoolers through high school, as well as hundreds of parents of all aged children (prenatal to adult). She co-founded Positive Discipline of Connecticut, and served as Co-Chair of the international Board of Directors of the Positive Discipline Association. Carol has worked with schools in bringing Positive Discipline to whole school settings. She has two adult sons and a husband of over 35 years. Their relationships continue to grow and benefit from Positive Discipline.


Household Chores and Why They Matter for Children and Teens

What characteristics and life skills do you hope your children develop?  These are some that I often hear from parents in our workshops and parenting sessions:

  • Responsibility                        
  • Self-discipline
  • Empathy/Caring
  • Adaptability
  • Accountability
  • Respect for self and others
  • Creativity

Believe it or not, one way that you can begin (or continue) to help these characteristics develop in your children is by involving them in household chores. It is never too early or too late.  Kids need to know they are important, useful, contributing members of your family. Helping with chores builds the skills above and many more.

Many families I work with feel like kids have “too much on their plate” or say that “school is their job” and they don’t want them to be overwhelmed with responsibilities at home.  So instead, parents carry the heavy load of household chores on their own, missing an amazing opportunity to instill contribution.

Another barrier is that parents don’t realize that it is normal and expected for children and teens to lose interest in chores and get distracted by other things, such as friends, their phone, and school (much like we do).  Children are born with the desire to help and contribute (see video below), but they are not born with the skills needed to do so perfectly.  Parents have to teach, model, and reinforce household chore expectations again and again in order for them to stick.

Get started today involving your kids in household chores:

  1. Brainstorm a list of daily and weekly chores that happen in the home with the whole family.
  2. Choose a few important chores to rotate – one per family member- and make a list or chart to post the chores on.  Here is an example of the one we have at my house.
  • Take time for training – spend the first week doing the chores together so that you can teach skills such as spraying the dust spray, how much to feed the dog, how long to water the grass in the front yard, and so on.  Be collaborative and have fun with it! 
  • Decide upon frequency and what time it should be done based on the chore.  If your child (or partner 🙂 ) forgets, gently remind them with a kind smile and friendly body language, and a point at the chore chart to job their memory.
  • Resistance is NORMAL!  Don’t expect your kids to cheer and thank you when you remind them of their chore, but no matter how much they grumble, be KIND and FIRM – “I know you would rather play your guitar, AND it’s time to do your chore.” 
  • Use the Chore Chart below, a resource adapted from Positive Discipline, to determine the chores that are age-appropriate for your child. 

Check out this video that shows very young children (and chimps) demonstrating a desire to help!

By: Lora Ferguson, LPC-S, CPDT

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