Archive of ‘Mindfulness’ category

Y’all, Please Stop Judging Your Emotions!

I want to first say that the title of this post might be slightly misleading. I don’t believe it’s actually possible to STOP judging all of your emotions. But you (and I) can work towards doing it less often.

What does “judging emotions” mean?

Before I get to the how, let’s take a minute to see what it even means to judge our emotions. Personal story: I was sitting in my therapist’s office in front of my computer talking to my therapist via telehealth, and I told her about something that had made me experience a healthy dose of shame. I had made a small professional mistake, and I had been blaming myself. This is where it gets interesting: While sharing this with my therapist, I said, “I feel so stupid for feeling ashamed of something I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed of.” And, because my therapist is incredible, she gave me a look that had all kinds of compassion in it.

You might ask, “what’s wrong with judging my emotions?” And, because I’m a therapist, I’ll first say that nothing is “wrong” about it. BUT here’s what happens when you do: you’re telling yourself that it’s not okay to feel emotions. You’re telling yourself that, for example, you’re stupid for feeling shame, rather than realizing that you’re human for feeling shame. And we can (and probably) do this with a myriad of other emotions.

Feeling bad about yourself for getting angry? That’s judging. 

Thinking you shouldn’t cry when you’re experiencing something sad? That’s judging.

Ever tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel disappointed? Still judging. 

Here’s a nice tip: if you’re saying “should” or “shouldn’t” about your emotions, you’re probably judging them. 

And I don’t want to get too “meta” here, but it’s turtles all the way down. If you feel embarrassed about feeling super excited whenever a BTS song comes on, try not to judge the embarrassment. And then try not to judge the excitement! 

Now we can get to the how

Awareness is KEY. The biggest and best thing you can do to work on this is to recognize a) that you do it (because you’re human, and humans do this…unless, of course, you’re a robot, in which case: which squares have bicycles in it?), and b) when you do it. When you do it can be tricky to figure out. For this, you might want to talk to a close friend or therapist, or journal, or meditate. Everyone has their own way of learning about themselves, so you do you. 

Here’s some prompts to get you started: 

  • How do I feel about the last time I felt [insert emotion here]?
  • Which emotions were/are expressed in my family? Which ones weren’t/aren’t?
  • What do I think others think about me when I’m feeling [emotion]?

And just in case you’re having a hard time thinking of specific emotions, here are a few commonly judged emotions: anger, joy, guilt, shame, sadness, grief.

Now that I’m aware of some of the judgments I place on my emotions, how do I stop doing it? 

First, and this is important, you don’t have to do anything else. Just being aware will probably get you to stop judging 60% of your emotions (I just made that statistic up; please don’t quote me on that. It’s going to be different for everyone). But, if you want to continue doing the work, here are some tips:

Tip #1

Remind yourself routinely (e.g. in the mornings, when you take a shower, when you’re in your car, whatever works for you, but don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed with emotions to do this) that it’s okay to feel however you’re feeling. Tell yourself, “I’m angry, and that’s okay.” Or for bonus points, you can say, “I love my anger.” That last one might be really difficult, so be gentle with yourself if it doesn’t come easy.

Tip #2

Another way you can work on this is to make a list of a certain number (say, 5) emotions you had each day or week. And then thank your body for letting you feel these emotions. Literally, “Thank you, [your name], for letting me feel guilt this week.” Feel free to journal or meditate on this too.

Emotions are human

Remember that emotions are part of the deal you made with the world (or God, or Spirit, or Universe, etc.) when you were created. You don’t get to be human and not have emotions. ALL OF THEM. You can’t just have the “good” ones. Not only that, but the more you shove down the emotions you don’t like, the more they’re going to have control over you. You can only pretend for so long that you’re not sad, until it begins to show up somewhere else (usually as anxiety or depression, or as physical symptoms, like migraines or stomach pains). 

Once you experience your emotions without the harsh judgement you’ve been accustomed to, you might even begin to appreciate them! Your emotions all have a purpose. 

Feeling lonely? That’s a reminder to reach out to a close person. 

Feeling stressed? That’s a reminder to slow down. 

Anxious? That’s a reminder to be present where you are, rather than thinking about what might happen next. 

Shame? That’s a reminder to give yourself compassion.

Angry? That’s a reminder that you may need to put up or fortify a boundary. 

Bored? This one’s pretty simple: do something that feeds your creative soul! 

There is nothing wrong with ANY of our emotions. In fact, they will help us live a wonderful and meaningful life, if we only listen to them rather than judge them. 

If you want some help working through your emotions, book a free 15 minute consultation with me to see if I might be a good counselor for you.


4 Mindfulness Practices for Your Family

Mindfulness may be a term you have never heard or hear all the time. Regardless of how familiar it may be, it is often hard to define. When I introduce mindfulness into therapeutic work, I use Jon Kabat-Zinn’s simple definition: Paying attention, on purpose, without judgement. This perspective allows for full appreciation and engagement with the present. 

Imagine the benefits of being just a bit more present-focused and mindful in our lives, work, school, and especially in relationships with ourselves and others. I have included a few mindfulness practices and resources at the conclusion for families with people of any age to foster awareness, acceptance, and connection.  Breathwork

1 – Breathwork

Imagine paying attention, on purpose, without judgement to your breath. By being mindful of our breath, we can begin to realize the power that it has. The breath is the most effective way for us to affect our nervous system. Each inhale engages the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight response) and each exhale engages the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest). Bringing awareness to our breath can have a direct effect on our entire nervous system in an effort to bring it into balance when feeling dysregulated. We often encourage children or adults to “take a deep breath” in overwhelming situations without being mindful of what that looks and feels like. It takes practice and practicing as a family can further solidify its effectiveness. 

Belly breathing – Place your hands or a stuffed animal on the belly while lying down. Practice breathing into your hands or making the stuffed animal move up and down. In this way you are taking a true deep breath by expanding the lungs completely so that the diaphragm pushes the belly to move. 

Ratio breath – Ratio breath acknowledges the different parts of our nervous system that an inhale and exhale engage. By working to extend the exhale to be longer than the inhale, we engage our parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest). Begin by breathing in for 4 seconds and breathing out for 6 seconds. Adjust this ratio as needed to practice extending the exhale.

2 – Yoga/Mindful Movement 

Imagine paying attention, on purpose, and without judgement to your body and what it may be trying to tell you. Research shows the tremendous benefits yoga has on the mind, body, and connection between the two (The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk). Whether yoga is familiar or new to your family, it is accessible to everyone. I have included free resources to reference at the conclusion, but also feel free to define what yoga or mindful movement looks like for your family. My favorite option is to let the child(ren) lead the class and choose what postures feel most comfortable, challenging, and relaxing.

3 – Guided Imagery/Meditation

Imagine paying attention, on purpose, and without judgement to our thoughts and feelings. Guided imagery and meditation are grounding practices that encourage mindfulness, stillness, and relaxation. This can become a part of your morning or night routine by listening to or creating moments of stillness as a family. 

Guided imagery can be used in combination with a total body scan or progressive muscle relaxation by imagining a warm light traveling throughout the body, recognizing, and releasing any physical tension along the way. Another accessible option for all ages is a counting meditation. Start by simply counting your breath and each time a thought or feeling comes up, pause to notice and then start over counting from 1. See if you can count 10 or 20 breaths uninterrupted. Finally, the following is a short grounding meditation focusing on the 5 senses to bring our awareness to the present moment. 

Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste or say aloud 1 positive self-statement. 

4 – Nature Walks 

Nature is therapeutic as it is. Taking a walk outside and paying attention, on purpose, without judgement to what nature has to offer can benefit all the parts of ourselves and our ability to connect with others. While enjoying a nature walk with your family, I encourage mindful curiosity which could look something like the following: 

  • Having a conversation about what parts of nature stand out on the walk for each person and why. 
  • Creating a family sculpture with natural objects found in your yard, a walk through the neighborhood, or a local park. 

Online Resources

written by Emily Koenig, LMFT-Associate, Supervised by Kirby Schroeder, LPC-S, LMFT-S

Meet Emily!


5 Signs Your Child May Be Addicted to Technology

Should I be concerned about my child’s screen time?

This is a question I hear frequently. The COVID pandemic caused a significant increase in the amount of time our children spend online each day, and many parents have concerns about their child’s technology use.  In today’s world, it would be nearly impossible to avoid screens entirely (and most people would not want to!), but when is it too much?  At what point should we start to worry about the effects of those hours our kids spend online?

There is No Escaping Technology

Between television, YouTube videos, games like Minecraft and Roblox, virtual communication platforms like Discord, and social media apps like Instagram and TikTok, kids are completely saturated with virtual media.  Even when parents are able to help kids abstain from certain types of technology, the enmeshment of tech into schools, paired with social pressures, makes limiting tech an extremely challenging task.

You Are Not Wrong to Be Afraid

Research on the effects of technology use on the developing brain is not lacking.  There are numerous studies that have returned potentially problematic, even downright concerning results.  A 2019 study that looked at brain scans of preschoolers found that children who used screens longer than the recommended (1 hour per day) had lower levels of development in their white matter – a key area in the development of language, literacy, and cognitive skills.

View that study here.

Additionally, the CDC found that the suicide rate for kids ages 10-14 doubled from 2007-2014 which happened to be the same time that social media use skyrocketed.

But how can parents know how much screen time is appropriate and when to be concerned?

5 Warning Signs that Your Child May be Addicted to Technology

  1. School work is suffering. This one can be tricky to recognize due to the overwhelming challenges the pandemic brought to school aged kids during the most recent academic year.  Take notice if your child’s change in academic performance directly coincides with increased tech use.
  2. Loss of interest in other activities.  If your child once loved playing soccer or creating art, but has lost interest and replaced that passion with a desire for screen time, some intervention may be necessary.
  3. Uncharacteristic aggression when interrupted from screen time. If you notice your child snapping, yelling, or showing uncharacteristic signs of anger when they are interrupted or asked to conclude their tech use, pay attention.
  4. Choosing to spend time online over spending time with friends or family. If your child is turning down social invitations in favor of spending more time online, there may be cause for concern.
  5. Neglecting basic needs or personal hygiene.  If you notice your child failing to care for their own basic needs (getting less sleep, skipping meals), or abandoning personal hygiene such as showering and brushing their teeth due to a preoccupation with screen time, it might be time to take action.

I think my child may be addicted to technology- what do I do now?

The good news is that technology addiction is treatable!  Children’s brains are malleable and interrupting troublesome habits now can help your child to strengthen new neural connections.  Early intervention can set a foundation that will help children learns skills to balance technology use in the future.

There are many strategies to treat mild to severe technology addiction in children and teens.  The first step would be to have a trained therapist assess your child for technology addiction. The National Institute for Digital Health and Wellness has a list of local providers trained to help your child manage technology issues.  There you can also find helpful articles on technology use and its effects on the developing brain.

If you are concerned, or unsure if your child may be struggling to balance their relationship with screens, ask a professional!  These times are difficult to navigate, and you are not alone.  There is plenty of support out there to help you and your child learn skills to manage technology use.

Want to learn more?

“Glow Kids” by Nicholas Kardaras is a great place to start to learn about the effects of technology on kids today.

“Reset Your Child’s Brain” by Victoria L. Dunkley MD has some wonderful guidance on at home interventions for tech addiction


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