Archive of ‘Family Time’ category

Being Present With Your Adolescent Child

Among parents and caregivers, numerous factors can pose barriers to making time to have meaningful conversations with our children during their rocky teenage years. Parents may need to work long hours or tackle everyday chores, consuming so much time and focus that it leaves little time to be fully present with their children. After a long workday and looking forward to much needed downtime, it can become easy to focus on ourselves or our partners, resorting to “out of sight, out of mind” habits when teenagers disappear in their room for hours at a time. Adolescents naturally become more independent so understandably they can be emotionally distanced or disengaged. As I use the term “children” here, these tips can be applied to our children at any age; it is fundamentally about providing moments of positive connection.

Provide a safe space for child or teen to be heard

One of the most fundamental needs of children is feeling safe in a nurturing environment that fosters warmth, trust and healthy boundaries lasting through adolescence and young adulthood. When children experience trauma at home in an unsafe environment, especially repeated trauma exposure, this can severely impair their ability to form positive relationships in throughout the lifespan. Conversely, establishing a consistent pattern of being available and emotionally bonding with your children forms a blueprint for healthy relationships in their developing brains, providing them vital skills in forming healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.

Moments of calm connection strengthen the relationship with your child

It is important to place emphasis on the word “calm” as talking to them from a place of anger or criticism can easily bring up defensiveness and does little to foster positive connection. Of course, there are moments where we may become angry or critical with our kids, such as becoming exasperated when they fail a test since they did not study or coming home past hours past their curfew.

Positive communication teaches healthy relationships

It has been well established that children learn behaviors from social modeling and observation. As parents, we can be mindful of how we communicate with our partners and children, setting the stage for less challenging conversations with our teens. It is important to acknowledge that that there will be communication exchanges that go awry, mistakes will happen. When reflecting on these not-so-great moments, we can practice self-compassion and think how we could have handled the situation differently.

Dining together is a big deal

It can be hard to find appropriate settings to have quality conversation time with our kids. Research has shown that teens who dine more regularly with their families (seven days a week versus twice a week or less) reported less drug and alcohol use, as well as less depressive symptoms. Dining in or out together can provide valuable moments of connection that will help wire their brains toward navigating current and future relationships.

With these simple guidelines, parents can be more intentional about the quality and frequency of interactions with their children. No one approach will work with every teen and challenges vary. Many teenagers have their schedules packed, not only with school, but social and extracurricular activities that leave them away from home for most of the day. Building fond memories even in the small moments of the day can do wonders for their well-being. After all, kids grow up so fast!

References:

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, P. H. D. T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child. Random House. https://childmind.org/article/tips-communicating-with-teen/

Written By: Mark Steele, MA, LPC-Associate, NCC, supervised by Allison Eckelkamp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S

Parent-Child Play

A father and daughter play with legos together.

The American Academy of Pediatrics identifies play as essential for child development and child wellbeing. Children work through challenges, develop new skills, and communicate all through play. 

As my daughter has grown, she has found new ways of play to work through her newest challenges. In studying child development, I learned that children develop object permanence—knowing that something exists even when they are not actively noticing it—by the age of 8 months. As my daughter entered this phase of development, she began to take interest in games like peek-a-boo. In playing peek-a-boo, she was able to explore her new way of seeing the world and work through her feelings around separating from her parents (we disappear and then we come back again). 

The AAP finds that unstructured play promotes healthy brain development, allows children to conquer their fears and practice new skills, promotes healthy and active bodies, and it’s fun!

Joining Your Child in Play

Parents who join their children in play give themselves an opportunity to see the world through their children’s eyes, increasing a parent’s understanding of what their child is going through. By setting aside time to join their children in unstructured play, parents also communicate to their children that they are accepted, understood, and loved. This can serve to deepen the parent-child bond and to foster more effective parent-child communication. 

5 Tips for Parents During Unstructured Play Time

These guidelines have been adapted in part from Brittney George, LPC, NCC, PMH-C’s Rules for Parents During Play Time:

  1. Let your child lead: So much of children’s lives are controlled by the adults around them. Let this be a time where they can be in charge. Do your best to follow their lead without judgment. This will communicate to your child that their feelings matter and that you trust in their abilities, and it will give your child space to learn self-direction and self-control.
  2. Dedicate the time to your child: Make sure you are able to be fully present to your child during play. This means turning off your phone or leaving it in another room. And if you’re feeling dysregulated—at a heightened emotional state—take a minute to center yourself or identify that it’s not the best time for play. My colleague Ellen Meystadt, LPC-A offers some wonderful advice here. 
  3. Get on your child’s level: Being on the same physical level as your child can help your child to feel safe and connected. That means if your child is playing on the floor, you are too.
  4. Keep it unstructured: In recent decades, children’s lives have become more and more scheduled, leaving less time for free play. Do your best to keep this time open and free: no agenda, no plan, no schedule.
  5. Have fun: If you’re like me, parenting for you has been a source of both much stress and much joy; your free time is limited, and your to-do list is long. Let play time be an opportunity for you to let go, destress, and enjoy being with your child. 

Play at Any Age

As children get older, their approach to play will change. Parents can continue to find ways to connect with their child. Here are a few ideas:

  • Find games and activities that allow for free expression, creativity, and flexibility. (Personally, I love Writey Drawey and Exquisite Corpse.)
  • Be curious and co-participate in your child’s creative world, whether that’s their newest Roblox or Minecraft creation, TikTok, Dungeon & Dragons game, or fashion invention.
  • Find time to just be with your child. Meet them where they are at and allow them to use the time how they wish, even if that means watching TV or a quiet walk.
  • Give yourself and your child an excuse to be childish and silly–whatever that might be.

References & Resources

Special Parent-Child Play Times. by Bratton, S., & Landreth, G. New York: Routledge. 2020. https://cpt.unt.edu/sites/default/files/documents/parentresource1_specialplaytimeinstructions_togowithvideo.pdf 

The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds, Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MSEd; and the Committee on Communications; and the Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, Pediatrics (2007) 119 (1):182–191. https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/119/1/182/70699/The-Importance-of-Play-in-Promoting-Healthy-Child?autologincheck=redirected?nfToken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000 

Rules for Parents During Play Time: A Case for Filial Therapy, Brittney George, LPC, NCC, PMH-C, Therapy Den, Sep 24, 2019. https://www.therapyden.com/blog/rules-for-parents-during-play-time-a-case-for-filial-therapy

Written By: Jim Rowell, LMSW, supervised by Tammy Linseisen, LCSW-S

Navigating Religious (and Political) Differences in your Family

I’m not talking about the stereotypical crazy uncle at your Thanksgiving dinner. I’m talking about your sister or father or son whose beliefs are a real impediment to your family functioning. Maybe you don’t have a relationship with them any more. Or maybe you do, and that’s what hurts.

If you’ve listened to or read the news in the last decade, you’ve come across someone discussing how polarized America is these days. Today, with unprecedented access to infinite opinions and knowledge, these polarizations have begun to infiltrate our normally monolithic institutions, like our schools, churches, towns, and yes, families. 

I come from a Jewish family, and my parents have been proud Democrats since I can remember. In the last 20 years, 3 of my family members have gone steadily to the “right,” either religiously or politically. And the other 3 members of my family have drastically moved “left,” BOTH religiously and politically.  So you can see, I have some personal experience with familial polarization, not to mention that as a therapist I work with many individuals and families with similar family dynamics. 

I’d like to offer some ways I’ve learned to navigate this incredibly difficult situation. 

#1: Talk to them about it.

I put this at number 1 not necessarily because you should start with this, but because it’s the most important and, also, the hardest to do. HOW do you talk to them without it blowing up in your face and ruining your already fragile relationship? Read on. 

#2: Set aside your ego for a short period of time

This means even though you “know” you’re right and they’re horribly misguided, for the duration of one conversation, assume they’re right, or at least that they’re not stupid or evil. This doesn’t have to mean you’re “wrong.” I’m just asking you to pause that part of your brain so that your family member can express their opinions without you attacking them or defending yourself. And when I say “a short period of time,” I mean enough time for them to feel like you might be interested in what they have to say. Once they feel comfortable that they’ve been heard (see #3 below), then you can ask them for a chance to talk about your beliefs. You might want to wait for a separate opportunity to discuss your opinions, rather than immediately after they’ve shared theirs for 2 reasons: they might be emotionally unavailable to listen to you after sharing their beliefs with you; and you might be feeling defensive about your beliefs and end up sharing a little more aggressively than you hoped.

#3: Listen to them

Don’t spend all your energy waiting for them to stop talking so that you can interject counter arguments. In fact, I challenge you to not use one counter argument. Here are some guidelines for listening to people (this is literally my job, so hopefully you can trust that I might have something useful to say about listening to people):

  • Ask them if it’s okay if you ask them a question before asking your question. They may still have more to say before wanting to change the direction of the conversation.
  • Be curious (or at least pretend to be curious). Ex: “Oh that’s interesting… does that mean you also believe _____?” “Where did you learn that?” “When did you first start believing _____?” “Does it bother you when I talk about my beliefs?”
  • Ask for clarification. This can REALLY help avoid any misunderstandings. Ex. “You just said that ______, right?” And let them correct you if you’ve misheard them.
  • Don’t interrupt them. Wait until there’s an obvious end to the point their making. (This one sounds easier than it really is.)

#4: Protect yourself

Don’t let them attack you or your beliefs (Ex: “Liberals are too sensitive.” “Trump supporters are Nazis.” “Secular people are immoral.” “Religious people are nuts.” “You’re in a cult, and you’re being brainwashed.” etc.). Stand up for your beliefs. Let them know that judgements like that are not going to help your relationship. Save those judgments for AFTER your conversation, when you’re home and talking to a supportive friend or significant other. Also, don’t forget to check in with your own emotions. It will likely be incredibly difficult to hear some of the things your family member is saying. Take a break, be it a few minutes or a few days. Ask your family member to slow down. You’re taking a very difficult step in your relationship with your family member. Recognize that it’s not supposed to be easy. If it was easy, you wouldn’t be reading any of this.

#5: Be prepared to have more than one conversation

Depending on many factors, including the depth of your relationship and the length of time you have held opposing views, you may not come to any deep understanding after your first confrontation. The goal of speaking to each other is not to convince one another of your beliefs. It’s to be able to have a relationship where you can respect each other. This requires more than one conversation. 

#6: Have them read this article too!

Being on the same page with your family member will drastically improve the odds that both of you come out feeling more connected with each other. It also will make it less awkward when you try to ask a curious question and fumble through it, because they’ll understand what you’re trying to do.

You can do this!

Written By: Mike Rothschild (he/him), M.A., LPC-Associate, NCC supervised by Dr. Sunny Lansdale, Ph.D, LPC-S

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