Archive of ‘Being Present’ category

8 Ways to Practice Mindfulness with Children

Often, when we think about mindfulness, we think about meditation or a formal, structured exercise that helps us tune into our thoughts or somehow clear our minds entirely. Perhaps you have heard that mindfulness is good for children, that you can even practice it with your preschooler. Maybe you have tried this and it worked, or maybe you tried and your child squirmed, wiggled, and complained that it was boring. For some children, particularly those who are young, have experienced trauma, or appear to be bursting with energy, sitting still for more than a few seconds may seem impossible. Today, I want to share some ideas for sneaking simple, fun mindfulness activities into everyday life and everyday play. While mindfulness can be a discipline, a way of moving through the world, it shouldn’t cause added stress or power struggles. 

So what is mindfulness?

According to Sylvia Boorstein, “Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated than that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it.” It can be practiced at any time, in any place, during any activity, without changing a thing except the way that you relate to the present moment. 

Why practice mindfulness?

You might wonder, why even bother? I often have parents tell me that their children don’t seem to know how to calm themselves down, or they’ll explode, seemingly out of nowhere. When the parent asks what happened, the child may shrug, or say that they were mad. While they may have been angry, there were likely other thoughts or feelings that led them to express anger. If children (and adults) can tune into themselves in the present moment and notice their emotional and physical states, without judgement, they may begin to notice when difficult feelings are just starting to bubble up. How much easier is it to calm ourselves down when we’re just a little bit upset than when we’re hysterical? Mindfulness can help us connect the sensations in our bodies with our thoughts and feelings, thereby increasing our understanding of ourselves and our reactions. Further, research is showing that mindfulness can help children and teens who struggle with symptoms of ADHD and Anxiety. It gives them an experience of stillness and calmness. It helps them focus on the present moment without worrying about the future or lamenting the past. 

While mindfulness is less about the specific activity, and more about our relationship with the present moment, the activities below can help facilitate the practice of mindful awareness. Ideally, these are practiced when your child is calm, and then can be used to help them return to calm when they begin to feel anxious, angry, or frustrated. 

Mindful Listening

Tell your child that you are going to play a game. They can close their eyes if they’re comfortable doing so, or just soften their gaze. Tell them that you’re both going to listen carefully and see how many sounds you can hear. Pick an amount of time that you think is doable for your child, up to about a minute, and set a timer. When the timer goes off, compare notes on the different sounds you heard. This exercise could be completed on a nature walk or while sitting at your kitchen table.

Nature walk

Take a walk in nature and ask them to notice what they hear, see, feel, and smell. You can also have them find an object in nature and then explore it together with different senses.

Bag of Objects

Fill a bag with objects of different shapes, sizes, and textures. Have your child reach in without looking and describe what they feel. Have them guess what’s in there.

Bubbles

Blow bubbles together and notice the colors, sizes, and how/where the bubbles float. Blowing bubbles is a great way to practice breath awareness too–have your child take deep breaths, filling up their belly like a balloon, then breathe out slowly. They can even see how big or small the bubbles get depending on how quickly or slowly they breathe out.

Strike a Pose

Do a yoga pose together, such as tree pose. Have them imagine that one of their feet is rooted to the ground, and slowly lift the other until it is resting on their calf. See if they can raise their arms up to “grow” branches. Can they sway in the wind? You can ask them what sensations they notice in their body. If you or your child loses balance (which will probably happen), laugh together!

Rocking a Stuffed Animal

Have your child lie down on the floor with their favorite stuffed animal or doll resting on their belly. Tell them that you are going to rock their animal to sleep. Take slow, deep breaths together and notice how the animal moves up and down with their breath.

Chime or Singing Bowl

Tell your child that they are going to practice listening. Tell them that you will ring the chime or singing bowl and that you’ll both listen closely and see how long you can hear the sound. When they can’t hear it anymore they can raise their hand.

Engine Checks

One way to help children tune into the physical states is to have them think of their body like a car engine. Ask, what happens if a car is going too fast? They might say it crashes or runs off the road. What about if it goes too slow? It might cause a traffic jam, or stop all together. What if it is going just the right speed? How would that feel? Tell them that our bodies are kind of like car engines. Sometimes they feel like they’re going too fast, sometimes too slow, and sometimes just right. What is it like when they are going “too fast”? (Maybe they have lots of energy, can’t stay still, get in trouble at school). What about “too slow”? (maybe they are tired, lack energy, it’s hard for them to do things). What does “just right” feel like? (calm, focused, in control, etc.) Check in with your child occasionally by asking how their engine is running. Once they get used to this language, you can ask them when you start to notice that they might be starting to run “too fast” or “too slow.” When children are more aware of their physical and emotional states, they are more likely to use calming strategies like mindful breathing.

Any of the above techniques can be incorporated into everyday life. These tools will help your child (and you!) become more aware of the present moment and their relationship with the here & now. What mindfulness technique are you going to try today?

Written by: Magdalen Marrone, LCSW

Summertime: 7 Ways to Maximize Free Time with your Kiddos

With summer’s arrival, as a parent or caregiver you may find yourself with anxious feelings about the long warm days and idle time coming – you may be thinking, how in the world am I going to keep these kiddos entertained all summer? How can we keep TV and video games to a manageable level? How can we help our kids feel engaged in activities that are exciting, but simultaneously include some aspect of learning (or at least not staring into a screen)?

If you are like me, these thoughts have been crossing your mind a lot lately. You are in the right place and hopefully this post can spur some ideas to help your family thrive in downtime together this summer!  

~This is by no means an exhaustive list, and with some adaptation, the below activities can be appropriate for mostly all ages of children~

Cultural Events

  • Attend a cultural festival or event of any sort, such as an art, music, or theatrical performance. Not only can these events be engaging for the whole family, they can spark creative interest in a subject area your child may not have had before.

Reading

  • Read (anywhere!) and join the Austin Public Library! Reading together is one of the best ways to spend quality time, increase vocabulary + introduce concepts for younger children and avoid the summer slide for school-age kiddos!
    • There are of course many ways to do this – in your favorite park, cozy spot at home, or at many of the public libraries in Austin. https://library.austintexas.gov/events/calendar
    • If you haven’t yet visited the new central library downtown, it is a site to see!  It even includes a special Teen Lounge devoted to adolescents and many special events.
    • Book People also offers many events and storytime for younger kiddos; events calendar here https://www.bookpeople.com/event

Museums and Historic Sites

  • Visit a museum or historic site. Here are some favorites!  
    • Laguna Gloria – bring a picnic or pick up food onsite from Epicerie and enjoy on the lawn
    • The Blanton Museum
    • The Thinkery Children’s Museum + Mueller Lake Park
    • Bob Bullock History Museum
    • Austin Aquarium
    • Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center
    • Austin Nature and Science Center

Gardening

  • Plant a small plant or garden to tend; even an indoor plant for when it’s too hot outside! Gardening with your child will give you a sense of shared purpose and responsibility! Here are some of my favorite nurseries to help get you started:
  • Shoal Creek Nursery
  • The Great Outdoors
  • East Austin Succulents  / Tillery Street Plant Company

Photography

  • Practice photography – Even some of our smallest kiddos will enjoy taking pictures with a Polaroid. It can give you a few free minutes while they explore the house or backyard and then provide you with some quality time as you review their gems together! This can create a sense of pride for your children in their work!
  • Spend time making a collage or photo book together of your favorite memories.

Donate to Charity or Volunteer Together

  • Host a lemonade [popsicle / cookie / whatever] stand together and decide on a charity to which to donate the profits.  This activity really stands out as you can teach entrepreneurial skills, create awareness around money, engage in social skills with neighbors, and give to others in need.   

Get the Wiggles Out

  • Austin Bouldering Project – Indoor and outdoor rock climbing for all ages Austin Bouldering Project
  • Play for All Park – This amazing park is located in Round Rock and was made with children with special needs in mind. It is massive and children of abilities will enjoy the many features it offers. Play for All Park
  • Marathon Kids: Walk and Talk – over the summer, walk the total distance of a marathon with your child and talk along the way. Sign up and receive a mileage tracker and conversation topics for each walk! https://marathonkids.org/walkandtalk/
  • Hamilton Pool – beautiful, historic swimming hole located about 20 miles west of Austin. Don’t forget you need reservations for summer visits!  https://parks.traviscountytx.gov/parks/hamilton-pool-preserve
  • Deep Eddy – take a cool dip in Texas’ oldest swimming pool.  This “beach entry” pool is awesome for small kids and adults alike!
  • Zilker Park – an Austin dream day – Ride the Zilker Zephyr miniature train, hang at the park / playground and take a dip in Barton Springs (this one’s better for the older kiddos)
  • Your backyard / a neighborhood street: For a quicker adventure with littles, cruise around the backyard or walk the block to collect some sticks to turn into snakes (try to find some with a fork that can be the mouth!).  Set your child up with paint and paintbrushes and see them transform into snakes. You all can also paint rock families!
  • Play at a Splash Pad! https://freefuninaustin.com/austin-area-splash-pads-2016-schedules/

Making Meaning From Your Time Together

Now that you’ve invested time and energy in an activity together, remember some ways to make it even more meaningful while you are engaged in the event or afterward.  These tips are easy and can really strengthen connection between you and your child.

  • Actively listen! Ask open-ended questions!  When your child is talking, listen for feelings they’ve expressed. Notice these and dig a little deeper.
  • Ask your child to name Three Positives at the end of the day or as you’re tucking them in at night.
  • What are you thankful for in your [day / time / activity we shared]?
  • What was your favorite part of the day?
  • Tell me more about your photo [the book we read / the place we visited/ etc.].
  • Don’t forget the nonverbals! Make sure you are making eye contact, getting down on eye level or putting your arm around your child as you are having conversation.

Know that not every adventure will go exactly as planned (or be free from tears, for those with smaller humans!). Just remember that it is the love and attention you are giving your child and the time you are investing in your relationship that will mean the most.  Have fun and see you out there!


Written by:
Brooklie Gonzales, LPC-Intern supervised by Emily K. Slaughter, LPC-S

4 Steps to Simplify Intimacy

My To Do List for the week:

-Go to the grocery store

-Buy a Mother’s Day gift for my wife

-Go to work

-Write this blog

-Find time to go to the doctor

-Attend book club

-Take my son to swimming lessons

…and 100+ other items on the list that I will be unable to get complete. I didn’t even mention maintaining the meaningful relationships in my life…you know, my wife, children, close friends, etc. We all have a daily, weekly, even monthly “to-do” list that at times, can feel overwhelming. In the midst of living life and managing your “to-do’s,” you are expected to maintain some level of intimacy with your partner. Add the rest of your life to the mix and when do you have time to strengthen your intimacy? In preparation for writing this blog I googled “How to maintain intimacy in a relationship” and the first thing that popped up was a list of 10 things TO DO to maintain intimacy. Really?! I have enough items on my to-do list as it stands. I am not looking to add my relationship to a list that at times can feel monotonous. Let’s scrap the “10 To-Do’s” and try to simplify intimacy. Here are the 4 steps to help you and your partner simplify your intimacy.

1. Identify where the bulk of your time is spent together

One of the first questions I ask people who have sought couple’s counseling is “what types of things do you do together?” The usual response is something along the lines of “we go to the movies or dinner on our regular or more often semi-regular date night.” I would assume most couples, when asked would respond in a similar way. Reality is, how often do we get to go out on those dates? Weekly? Monthly? When you do get to go out on those dates how long do they typically last…1 hour? 2 hours if you’re lucky. There are 7 days in a week, 24 hours in a day and 168 hours in a week. If we base our level of intimacy on a 2-3 hour date night once a month that may or may not be enjoyable, you might find it hard to say you feel or experience intimacy with your partner.

The trick is to simplify what you consider to be “intimate” time with your partner. What are the things you do together? Well, you probably eat together, you come home to your partner, you also leave your partner in the morning to go to work. We probably spend 1-2 hours a day eating together, that’s 7-14 hours a week. How long does it take you to leave in the morning, 10 minutes? What about being greeted when you arrive home, 5-10 minutes? How are you received when you return home from work? If you are received by your partner as if they are genuinely happy to see you that’s roughly 2 hours a week spent with your partner that you can work to make more intimate. We can continue to break this down as much as you want, the point is to identify what constitutes the majority of time spent with your partner. Think about every moment you spend with your partner and work to identify how you can make those moments more intimate.

The love and connection we seek can be found in those small every day moments. We put too much emphasis on date nights and planned intimate moments. When half the time those planned intimate moments are forced and frustrating. Reality is you spend the majority of your time with your partner living life outside of planned intimate moments. Work to make those moments meaningful. Identify the time spent with your partner and work to better those moments.

2. Don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of

In most intimate relationships, there will be moments when it will be necessary for you to make sacrifices. Sacrifices are a part of relationships and play an important role in the value we gain from those relationships. However, you can all think of a time where you have made a sacrifice and it resulted in a feeling of being taken advantage of. Often times we justify these moments in our minds as necessary for the other person in the relationship. The problem with justifying your concerns is that they can and will turn into resentments (which we will cover in step 3).

Resentments can turn into contempt and contempt leads to the destruction of the relationship. When there is a necessary sacrifice or disagreement, (which there will be!) stand your ground, be firm and precise, allow yourself to be heard and understood and do not allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Share the burden of the sacrifice with your partner. When you feel taken advantage of, convey these feelings. Confiding in your partner is not a request for them to fix you or your feelings. The goal is to help them understand how it is you feel taken advantage of. Feeling heard and understood in moments of hardship lays a solid foundation for true intimacy. This step is not easy, it requires courage, honesty, and trust, however, it is better than the alternative…which is to allow yourself to be taken advantage of and develop resentments. Which can and often will slowly erode any intimacy that exists. Talk to your partner, tell them that you feel taken advantage of, who knows, they might hear you! Which could lead to a deep and meaningful conversation about how you are feeling and develop a deeper sense of intimacy.

3. Identify and avoid resentments

Most of us have experienced resentment at some point in life. Whether with a loved one or a close friend. If you think long enough you can recognize how it has been toxic to those relationships. Your partner, at some point or another will do things that rub you the wrong way (this is what makes relationships so exciting!). I imagine you can think about examples in your own life when you read that. Here is an example…maybe your partner always leaves their wet towel on the bed after a shower. It drives you crazy but you tell yourself “no big deal, of course, I will take care of it because I love them and I don’t mind”. No matter the scenario you can come up with a multitude of ways to justify why it’s ok to not confront those feelings of discontent within yourself. One year into the relationship you still have never told them how much it irritates you when they leave their wet towel on the bed after a shower. Now, every time you see that wet towel on the bed you spend the next 30 minutes in your head going over all the ways you’re going to get revenge. You are not immune to resentments, you will develop them and if you allow them to, they can destroy a relationship from the inside out without you ever knowing why.

When you experience negative emotions towards your partner take note, talk to someone about them. Talk to your partner, too! If you don’t feel comfortable confronting your partner then go talk to someone about what is bothering you. Don’t ignore your frustrations or try to tell yourself you’re too nice to develop resentments. Sorry to disappoint but no one is that nice! There is not a one size fits all for preventing resentment. There are some resentments that cannot be prevented and in those instances, there are plenty of ways to address them. Whatever you do, do not ignore them. Doing the wrong thing can be better than doing nothing. If you need a place to start with, consider a rule I call the “3 Pieces of Evidence“. The first transgression you ignore, the second transgression you take note and the third transgression you communicate. Any more than three transgressions and you begin to harbor negative feelings toward your partner and it becomes progressively more difficult to have this conversation. By waiting until the third transgression you have shown your partner that you can be compassionate, understanding and patient. More importantly, you are showing yourself that you are worthy of being taken care of and are willing to treat yourself as such. There is no level of triviality to this rule, resentments can grow from almost any amount of conflict. Do not fall victim to the small, trivial offenses in the relationship.

4. 100% rule

This last step is all about individual responsibility. There are two people who are both responsible for the health and intimacy of their relationship. We all have our expectations in a relationship whether explicit or implicit, they are there. When these expectations are not met you can get hurt, upset or feel betrayed. The 100% responsibility rule is more of a challenge than it is a rule. It is a challenge – take 100% responsibility for the relationship as often as you can manage it. That means giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, picking up the slack, or covering their end of an agreement. It also means talking to them about your resentments. 😉

Regardless of the scenario, the 100% rule requires you to, in times where they fail to show up 100%, take full responsibility for your partner. Let’s look at it this way, if there is 100% responsibility in the relationship that is to be divided up between you and your partner and on most days the responsibility split is 50/50 or 60/40. Every once in a while on really bad days it might even get to 80/20. A difficult truth in relationships is you are destined to let your partner down and they are destined to let you down. It is a part of being human and the 100% rule is a way of saying “It is ok for you to let me down today, I will pick up the pieces because tomorrow I will let you down and I will need you to pick me up.” It is important for you to identify where you fail at being 100% as well as identifying where your partner fails at being 100%. It will be just as important for you to identify where you have succeeded at being 100%. Identifying these times are another way of giving 100%.

Couples who practice this rule are able to learn each other’s strengths and weaknesses in the relationship. Sounds to me a lot like vulnerability and if I am not mistaken, vulnerability is on one of Google’s “How To develop and maintain intimacy” lists. I guess Google didn’t get it all wrong. There will be moments when you don’t see how you have fallen short and the same will be true for your partner. Avoid resentment and communicate your failures and celebrate your successes. The 100% rule is the intimacy equivalent to a trust fall. The more you fall and are caught by your partner the more you trust them to always catch you. Know that you will be there 100% and trust that your partner will be there 100% when you cannot be. So go, go close your eyes and fall.

Written by: Josh Killam, LPC-Intern under the supervision of Susan Gonzales, LPC-S, LMFT-S
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