Archive of ‘Meditation’ category

How To Stop Being Mean To Yourself

“I’m such a burden.”

“I failed the test again. I’m never going to get any better at this.”

“They cancelled plans – they must not like me.”

“Everything I say sounds so unintelligent. I’m such an idiot.”

Any of these statements sound familiar? These statements are examples of negative self-talk. Self-talk is your subconscious inner dialogue that you engage with everyday. The average person has about 6,000 thoughts per day (Murdock, 2020). What do you notice about how you talk to yourself? How do these thoughts make you feel? If the answer is sad, unmotivated, upset, angry, or anything similar to these feelings –  chances are you are being mean to yourself.

Why are we mean to ourselves?

Our inner dialogue is shaped in childhood by the way we internalize how we are spoken to by people around us – caregivers, parents, peers, teachers, relatives. Maybe you had a teacher who said you just weren’t a good writer after failing one too many writing assignments. Maybe your parents dismissed your feelings a lot. All this to say – even though we may have internalized negative thoughts about ourselves for years, we can change these thoughts to positive self-talk statements:

1. Start with awareness.

As with any change we take on in our life – we first need to be aware that there is something that just isn’t working for us anymore. The purpose of explaining the “why” above is to create space to use curiosity (not judgement!) to discover where your inner critic comes from.

2. List evidence against your negative belief about yourself.

You may notice that you say, “I’m such a burden,” a lot. What is evidence in your life that shows that you are not a burden? Maybe you have friends that initiate plans with you. Maybe you have a partner that always asks and genuinely wants to hear about your day.

3. Create a new, positive self-talk statement based on the evidence you listed.

With the example above, the evidence shows that “I am loved”

4. Review the list of evidence often.

Keep a running list of evidence against your negative belief on your phone so that you always have access to it. Look at the list even when you are not being mean to yourself.

5. Practice self-compassion.

It takes time for these evidences to replace your long standing negative self belief – it’s like teaching yourself an entirely new language! Be kind to yourself as you navigate this process by using positive self-talk statements: “I’m doing the best I can.” “I can do this.” “I believe in myself.”

Practice using curiosity to identify your self-talk and how the statements make you feel. Therapy can support this process by providing a safe space to explore where your inner critic comes from and work on creating positive self-talk statements to replace negative ones. Wishing you healing on your journey to self-kindness!

Resources:

Murdock, J. (2020), Humans Have More than 6,000 Thoughts per Day, Psychologists Discover. https://www.newsweek.com/humans-6000-thoughts-every-day-1517963

Written by: Sarah Shah, M.S., LPC-Associate (she/her) supervised by Martha Pasiminio, LPC-S


How to Fight *Fairly

As we continue to live in a socially distant world, we may be finding ourselves spending more time with our partners and/or family members, inevitably increasing the likelihood of conflict and/or miscommunication. 

Conflict in relationships is normal — the way we choose to “fight” defines whether or not the conflict is healthy or unhealthy. 

Here are some tips for fighting fairly with your loved ones:

Start with curiosity versus judgment – notice the conflict cycle. Ask yourself:

  1. What role am I playing in the conflict? Notice how you are usually reacting – defensiveness? Yelling? Walking away? What could your reaction be telling you? Is a boundary of yours being crossed? Are you carrying a responsibility that you don’t need to? Be curious about your reactions by simply noticing them versus judging them or being hard on yourself – you’re human!
  2. What headspace am I in when entering a conversation with my loved one that turns into conflict? Chances are you may be entering into important conversations while already feeling dysregulated from the day – lots of work calls, managing the kids new online school, running errands (let’s be real – we all have a lot going on as we continue to  adjust to life in a pandemic). Start with taking some time to take care of yourself – this can be something you do for 5 minutes of the day to an hour!
  3. When are my loved one and I usually having these conversations that turn into conflict? Set a time for important conversations so you both have time to regulate before entering the conversation.

Reframe. View the goal of conversations as finding a solution to the problem versus winning. 

  1. You and loved one versus the issue NOT you versus your loved one

Use I-statements.

The two words that often increase the likelihood of defensiveness in the person being spoken to are, “Why” and “You” when used to start a question or statement. Try the I-statement model instead, starting with how YOU are feeling versus what your loved one is DOING.

  1. “I feel ______ when ______. I need ______. What do you think?”

Repeat back what you heard BEFORE answering.

When we repeat back what we heard our loved one say first, we focus more on listening BEFORE coming up with our own response. 

  1. “I heard you say ________. Did I get that right?”

Ask for a break.

If you find yourself or your loved one escalating emotionally – name it AND choose a time to reconnect. It is impossible to have a productive conversation when we are only speaking from an emotional place – logic is no longer present.

  1. “I’m getting angry. Can we talk about this again in an hour?”

Incorporating even one of these tips into your communication pattern will inevitably change the conflict cycle you and your loved one may be engaging in.

Practice.

Practicing these tips is synonymous to learning a new language. 

Learning to communicate is difficult! Give yourself compassion as you navigate this process. Lean in to what you are needing in a healthy way. Wishing you all fair, healthy fighting! 

Written By: Sarah Shah, M.S., LPC-Intern 
Supervised by Martha Pasiminio, LPC-S


Find Your Peace in a Calm Down Place

Toddlers have a funny way of outwardly showing how most of us feel inwardly, especially lately. I am sure most of you experience the toddler meltdown that can come simply from blocks falling over, to a sibling touching their favorite toy, to not liking how you cut up their sandwich. We all have a mental picture of what this moment looks like, right?

After many of these moments happening at my house, I decided to implement something I teach to other kids and families often. The idea of a calm down place. The idea is as simple as it sounds. It is a tool used in schools often, and it can easily be adapted to your specific home setting. 

Cultivating the Space

The first step is to gather things to put in the calm down place. Depending on your child’s age, I would suggest getting their input for the items. For my two year old he wanted cookies only in his calm down area, so I picked most of the items. However, he has since added a few of his own items (see below).

Pick A Location

The second step is to decide where and how this area will look and what will be most helpful for each specific child. You know your house and child best. Maybe one kid likes this area in the loud and busy main space of the house and another may want it in a quiet small closet. I would also encourage you here to get your kids input. For my house, a small plastic bin with a lid works best given our space constraints, baby crawling sister, and want for it to be easy to transport from room to room as needed. Think outside the box as to what would work best for your child and for your space. 

Practice

The last step is to take time to teach and practice using the calm down space. It is a new idea and with any new concept, children need time to learn and practice. It may not go well the first or 24th time you practice and try using it. I would encourage you to help find a few times when the calm down place could be used successfully. This may mean that you suggest using this area before a full blow melt down happens. Once a child has felt some success they are more likely to repeat what helped them feel better. Finally, after you and your child have calmed down, it can be helpful to check in and have them identify what they were feeling and what helped them successfully calm down. You can model by sharing your feelings and how you calmed down as well. Celebrate the successful calm down. The length of time it took is not important!

Examples

Here are a few ideas and pictures of how simple this idea can be to bring to life. Some items that are helpful to include are something sensory, like a squishy ball, hard smooth toys or stones, musical items, art items (if your child can be trusted to keep supplies on paper), or a soft blanket. Another item we love at our house is books. Books of any kind work; feelings books, picture books, or novels. I also like to include some form of feelings identifying tool. This could be feelings cards, a journal, or a feelings faces chart. Get creative and have fun building this special place with your kid. 

I have learned the more your kid can help in creating something the more they will use it.  

Also, don’t leave your older children or yourself out! Do this with your teen or by yourself. 

Books pictured above include: Ravi’s Roar, Little Monkey Calms Down and Calm Down Time.

Couldn’t we all use a place and a reminder to recenter and find our peace?!?

Written by: Kirby Schroeder, LPC-S, LMFT-S

Interested in even more ways to find peace during this stressful time? Check out this blog.


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