Archive of ‘Couples’ category

3 Things You Can Do To Encourage Your Husband/Partner To Speak Up About Their Sexual Health Without Fear

Although studies estimate that 15-20 percent of men deal with sexual issues, the overwhelming fear and shame of speaking about it continue to haunt them. In fact, shame is also a key reason behind 60 percent of men avoiding doctor visits. In a recent AARP survey, one in five men admitted they weren’t honest with their physicians, mainly due to the embarrassment of discussing certain issues, including their sexual health. However, by taking steps to encourage the man in your life to open up about their sexual health and concerns without the fear of judgment, you can begin to take the first steps in preparing for a successful marriage and lifelong relationship.

Time The Conversation, Mood And Location Well

Picking the perfect time to have a conversation about their sexual health is crucial to having a productive conversation. This is because you want to choose a time where you are both receptive and ready to listen to what each other are saying. For most couples, setting aside a time to discuss it normally helps. You can also help your partner feel more at ease by maintaining a calm and positive tone during the conversation. Efforts to help them feel more comfortable with intimacy of all levels will help them relax and be honest with you. You can do this by encouraging your husband/boyfriend, and setting aside designated time for intimacy. 

Reaffirm The Positives Of Your Relationship And Commit To Exploring Solutions Together

By focusing on the positives of your relationship, you can help your partner feel reassured in the bond that you have. Instead of focusing on the negative emotions surrounding sexual health, stick to the issues and potential solution, opting for a more positive ‘can-do’ attitude. It is also important to remain positive throughout the conversation by reassuring them that there are solutions to sexual health issues out there, and that you are committed to exploring any issues they have raised together.

This added support may turn out to be the boost they need to speak to their doctor about erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety, or any other sexual conditions that warrant medical help. There are hundreds of solutions out there for sexual issues, and they do not always include medication. In addition to a healthy diet, exercise, and couples’ mediation techniques, your partner can boost their nutrient intake to reduce nervousness. With so many studies showcasing the effects of stress and anxiety on the body, chances are that focusing on improving these can greatly help your partner with his sexual health. As a bonus, it may help them feel more comfortable, since the solution may not involve going to a doctor.

Practice Non-Judgmental Listening And Conversational Techniques

Communication is key in any relationship. However for a sensitive conversation to be truly productive, it must be free of judgment and assumptions. The alternative is that due to the fear of being judged, your partner opts to not be completely honest with you or engage in conversations about your sex life at all. This is particularly relevant if there is an issue of conflict in the bedroom. Research has shown that people avoid conflicts because it either presents a threat to their relationships, partner or themselves. However, with the use of non-judgmental listening, you can soothe those fears and encourage the man in your life to be truthful about his sexual health, shortcomings and all.

To Master Non-Judgmental Communication, Focus On Avoiding A Fault-Based Way Of Thinking

A great non-judgmental communication technique to use is the DUAL Method, penned by Leo Babauta. This recommends that you avoid passing judgment and become more self-aware before practicing empathy and understanding; accept the differences in your partner’s point of view; and embrace the good that comes with their sexual revelations. For instance, the positives of having your partner open up about performance anxiety include better communication of sexual needs and the chance to pursue a remedy as a couple. Pay attention to your non-judgmental cues in the conversation as well. These can be just as telling as your words.

Sexual health and fulfillment is a key part of satisfaction and happiness in any relationship. While men can find it difficult to open up about their sexual health, there are ways you can encourage them to do so. By creating a safe space and maintaining an emphatic and non-judgmental attitude, you can begin to build a stronger and more intimate relationship.

By: Issy Lovett

After an initial career spent as a sexual health nurse, Issy turned to writing to make a living and now pens articles on topics relating to sexual health and the anxieties it can create. She believes strongly in talking therapies as a way to help overcome issues, after experiencing her own struggles with mental health. Issy now lives with her girlfriend and their pet dog Barney.


10 Conversation Starters to Re-Spark Your Relationship

When your relationship started, you spent more time together. You had conversations that felt exciting. You were learning about each other. You dreamed together about the life you would build. Then, life got busier and more complicated. Stressors changed. Maybe you had children or maybe your jobs became more demanding… Maybe both! And, not by intentional choice, you now find that your relationship feels like it is on the back-burner. If you are missing your partner (even while they are right next to you) or if you are looking for a new way to change up conversation, this is for you! Check out the conversation starters below to find ways to intentionally reconnect and recharge.

Conversation Starters

Ten conversation starters that build connection and emotional intimacy in your relationship:

  1. Tell me about a time this week when you felt supported by me.
  2. I feel most loved by you when…
  3. What is your favorite memory of us?
  4. Tell me two things I can do to better support you.
  5. What do you wish you could go back and tell yourself five years ago?
  6. What are three qualities you admire about me?
  7. What do you remember about the day we met or our first date?
  8. What’s one thing you want to do together that we’ve never done before?
  9. What are your current goals and how can I support you to achieve them?
  10. What is one thing you hope never changes about our relationship?

How to do it

Ask your partner if they would be willing to try something new with you. Own that these questions might feel awkward, especially if it’s been a while since you connected in this way. You’ll get into your groove and feeling vulnerable together will make you feel closer while building trust. 

Set aside time for each other. You will want time and privacy for this activity. Put your screens away. Find a quiet space. Start with 20 minutes so it doesn’t feel like too much of a commitment to get going. You can always keep talking if it’s flowing!

Take turns. After you have answered a question, ask your partner the same question to hear their response. 

Make it your own. Go in any order. Skip any questions that you want. Ask follow-up questions to go deeper. Be curious. The only goal is to connect meaningfully with your partner.

Thank your partner. At the end, show appreciation for your partner going there with you. Tell them how it made you feel to connect and share.

Want more questions and conversation starters like these? Here are my two favorite resources:

BestSelf Intimacy Deck

Gottman Card Decks (free!)

By: Katy Manganella, LPC
See what she’s up to on Instagram!

Creating Healthy Boundaries

Growing up in collectivistic culture at home, boundaries were not a celebrated tool in my family. They were perceived to be selfish at times – unhelpful to the entire family unit. As I grew older, I came to realize just how important healthy boundaries are – with family members, friends, coworkers – to maintain my overall well-being. 

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, boundaries are limits that define acceptable behavior. Healthy boundaries are those created to maintain physical, emotional, and mental well-being. 

How To Create Healthy Boundaries 

I do want to preface this section by saying that the examples are for educational purposes only – some of them may not apply to your experience or situation. If you are in an abusive relationship whether with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, setting a boundary can be dangerous – please seek help by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Please consult with a mental health professional to discuss what options may be most applicable or helpful for you! 

  1. Identify your boundaries: one of the most important things we can do for ourselves is recognize how we feel during certain situations. If you find yourself feeling:
  • Anxious when your mother is complaining about your father to you 
  • Annoyed when your partner invites friends over without consulting with you 
  • Angry when your child plays with the soccer ball indoors  

it may be time to set some healthy boundaries in place. Sometimes utilizing a feelings wheel can help us gain better insight into our feelings and needs.

  1. Communicate your boundaries: follow the “I-statements” method. Starting your statements with “I feel…” versus “You did…” takes judgement away, preventing the person you are speaking with from getting defensive or feeling attacked. Depending on who you are speaking with, it may be helpful to validate the other person’s feelings (can be an especially helpful tool when talking to your parents to show respect).  You do NOT need to “over explain” the reason for your boundary – your healthy boundaries are your right. 
  • “It sounds like you feel very hurt. I feel anxious and scared when you talk about dad to me like this. I love you and respect you and I cannot be here for you in this way.”
  • “I feel upset when you don’t ask me before inviting others to our home. I understand they are your friends, and I would appreciate knowing who is coming over to our home in advance.”
  • “I know you want to play with your soccer ball, and soccer balls are not for playing indoors. If you want to play, you have to play outside otherwise I will have to take your ball away.”
  1. Communicate consequences: if you find your boundaries have been crossed multiple times – it may be helpful to associate a consequence while communicating the boundary. A consequence is NOT a threat, but at times can look like an ultimatum – especially if you find yourself being mistreated constantly in a relationship, the consequence of breaking your boundary could be ending the relationship for your overall well-being.

Healthy Boundaries With Parents

“It sounds like you feel very hurt. I feel anxious and scared when you talk about dad to me like this. I love you and respect you and I cannot be here for you in this way.”

Boundaries with parents can be the most difficult sometimes – depending on your parents’ culture and your relationship with them. For myself, the example above brought up feelings of anxiety and fear of disappointment. Due to my parents’ collectivistic culture, when setting boundaries I found that it was helpful at times to avoid being in certain situations as to avoid offending them. For example, if following the scenario above, saying something like, “I can’t talk now I have to do some work that is due tonight!” 

Another important factor to name when setting boundaries with parents is the idea that we may feel guilty for not helping them. It is important to recognize and differentiate our role as a child and what responsibilities that entails and does not entail.

Healthy Boundaries With Partners

“I feel upset when you don’t ask me before inviting others to our home. I understand they are your friends, but I would appreciate knowing who is coming over to our home in advance.”

Boundaries with romantic partners are important to cultivate a strong, positive relationship versus cultivating contempt and resentment. With the couples I work with and even in my own relationship with my husband, I have found that it is easy to attack our partners by blaming them for their actions as opposed to understanding and communicating  how we feel as a result of their action. As shown in the example, I started it with “I feel” versus “Why did you invite them over?” Starting a question or statement with “you” or “why” immediately puts the other on the defensive.

Healthy Boundaries With Children

“I know you want to play with your soccer ball, and soccer balls are not for playing indoors. If you want to play, you have to play outside otherwise I will have to take your ball away.”

Setting boundaries with children may look like setting limits – validating what they are wanting to do, but being firm AND kind in establishing the limit and consequence of their behavior. To learn more about setting limits and boundaries read our posts about Positive Discipline or attend one of our workshops

It takes practice and time to create healthy boundaries. If you find that identifying your boundary, communicating it and the consequence of not following it are not working in your relationships, it may be beneficial to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and decide if it is healthy for you. Wishing you all healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationships!

By: Sarah Shah, LPC-Intern supervised by Martha Pasiminio, LPC-S
Follow Sarah on Instagram!

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