Archive of ‘Couples Counseling’ category

“I” Statements: What They Are and How to Use Them

Have you ever found yourself frustrated with your partner because they just never seem to really understand what you’re saying? Maybe you’ve tried to gently confront them about something, but end up in an argument. Maybe you try to talk to them, but are always met with the same reactions over and over again, no matter what words you use. Maybe you’ve given up on a particular sticky topic, and have stopped trying to even talk to your partner about it.

If anything above or any similar communication issues are happening in your life, it might be a great time to try out “I” statements!

What is an I Statement?

The formula that I like to use is like an emotionally vulnerable game of mad libs: “I feel (insert emotion word here) when (situation).”

Some examples of this could be “I feel frustrated when the dishwasher isn’t loaded efficiently,” or “I feel happy when we cuddle”, or past-tense “I felt really worried and scared when I had no idea where my wife was all night,” or even a reverse of the formula “Sometimes when I hear loud noises, like the door slamming, I feel nervous and get distant.”

There are SO many ways to use “I” Statements! Even something as simple as “I get mad when I’m hungry” or “That frustrates me,” can be considered “I” Statements! 

Avoid Blaming the Other Person

You’ll notice in all of my examples, I avoid the word “you”. When we use the word “you” while confronting someone, they tend to get defensive and it becomes more difficult for them to connect with and hear what you are saying. One goal of an “I” Statement is to simply let the other person (or people) we are communicating with into our head, to understand what we are going through. Another goal is that we want to transform our communication from me vs. you into me + you vs. the problem. 

We can avoid using the word “you” by transforming the statement into a bit of a beating-around-the-bush phrase. If I wanted to tell my husband “you loaded the dishwasher wrong,” it would make him immediately defensive and feel blame and shame. To avoid this, I can 1) tell him my emotions and 2) make it about me, not him. An “I” Statement I could use would be “I feel really frustrated and annoyed when the dishwasher is loaded this way.” He is now more inclined to be on my team, to help me with the problem, rather than defending his way of doing things and arguing with me. 

Here’s another example of the beating-around-the-bush way of phrasing an “I” Statement: let’s pretend Noah’s girlfriend, Olivia, is angry that Noah keeps leaving the toilet seat up. She usually approaches him by saying “Ugh, you left the toilet seat up again! You have to stop doing that!” and he never changes his behavior. She would need to let Noah know her feelings behind the toilet seat: “Hey babe, when the toilet seat gets left up, it makes me feel anxious. Then anytime I try to talk about my need for it to be down, my need gets ignored and that makes me feel disrespected and unvalued.” She has successfully avoided the word “you”!

Why Use “I” Statements?

In addition to the previously stated goals of “I” Statements (letting our partner into our head, and turning the conflict into a me + you vs. the problem dynamic), another goal is to get to the bottom of the conversation. Usually, the argument isn’t actually about what we spend time fighting over. The argument is usually about our feelings.

Sticking with the Noah and Olivia toilet seat example, the goal of using that “I” Statement (or here, two “I” Statements in a row) is for Olivia to begin talking about what is really bothering her, because it isn’t about the toilet seat. It’s about an emotion, in this case, the emotions of feeling disrespected and unvalued. Once Noah realizes that his behavior of leaving the toilet seat up is activating Olivia’s feelings of disrespect and being unvalued, he is more likely to have the me + you vs. the problem mentality. By using “I” Statements, we’ve been able to help both partners see that the problem was never the toilet seat. The problem was Olivia’s anxiety, then her feelings of disrespect and being unvalued. 

TLDR (too long; didn’t read)

The formula for “I” Statements is “I feel (insert emotion word here) when (situation).”

Try to avoid the word YOU when using an “I” Statement.

Goals of using “I” Statements include:

  1. let the other person (or people) we are communicating with into our head, to understand what we are going through
  2. transform our communication from me vs. you into me + you vs. the problem
  3. get to the bottom of the conflict (i.e. the emotions)

If you’re interested in working on “I” Statements and other communication issues with me, click here to schedule a session!

Written By: Kaity Dallas, LPC-Associate, LMFT-Associate, NCC, supervised by Kirby Schroeder, LPC-S, LMFT-S

Exploring the Depths of Self-Esteem: Unveiling the Power Within

The Significance of Self-Esteem

“Self-esteem” is a well established buzz word that is popular in society and the mental healthcare community alike. Self-esteem can be seen practiced in daily affirmations with young children, celebrated in the body positivity movement, or perhaps less obviously in a comedian’s self-deprecating humor. Academically, self-esteem has been generously defined and researched as an overall self-evaluation, existing on a continuum from high to low, and measured by the amount of capability, success, worth, and value people assign to themselves (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs, 2003). It is an ever evolving construct that persistently trends, and my purpose in writing this note, to whomever it may find, is to spark curiosity, serve as a reminder, or add depth to your journey with self-esteem.  

Exploring Meanings and Implications

I would like to invite you to take a moment to reflect on what self-esteem means to you. What words do you associate with self-esteem? What connotation does it have? What does high or low self-esteem look like? Where does it show up in life? What comes up for you? What is it like for you to reflect on this concept? For some, self-esteem may simply be associated with confidence. Others may visualize someone that is hunched over and looking at the ground. While it may be considered a personal strength to some, it can be stigmatized, uncomfortable, or heavy for others. A mental health practitioner doing this exercise may recall that low self-esteem can be correlated with anxiety, depression, disordered eating, substance use, career difficulties, relationship issues, and many other mental health concerns. Personally, I have learned that self-esteem is more nuanced, influential, and powerful than it appears on the surface, and it is worth a deeper look.

Impacts on Wellness, Decision Making, and Resilience

Research reports that high self-esteem may predict physical and mental wellness and personal satisfaction in life and relationships (Arsandaux et al., 2020; Moksnes & Espnes, 2013). It is also associated with improved decision making and productivity, coping with stress and overcoming adversity through resiliency, and these are only a few examples of many. Overall, a correlation between a positive view of self and general health and happiness demands further inquiry. It feels necessary to note that by no means is self-esteem a magic wand, and I want to honor all those navigating their unique obstacles in their own power and timing. However, if this message calls to you and you find yourself on a treasure hunt for mental health “tools”, I wonder what may come of a check-in with self-evaluation, whether it’s a tune up or a brand new exploration. While this task may feel daunting, my wish is that what you are looking for may appear on a journey of falling in love with yourself.

References 

Arsandaux, Montagni, Macalli, Bouteloup, Tzourio, & Galera. (2020). Health Risk Behaviors and Self-Esteem Among College Students: Systematic Review of Quantitative Studies. International Journal of Behavioral Medicine. 27. 10.1007/s12529-020-09857-w.

Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs. (2003). Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles?. Psychological Science in the Public Interest. 4. 1-44. 10.1111/1529-1006.01431. 

Moksnes, U. K., & Espnes, G. A. (2013). Self-esteem and life satisfaction in adolescents—Gender and age as potential moderators. Quality of Life Research: An International Journal of Quality of Life Aspects of Treatment, Care & Rehabilitation, 22(10), 2921–2928.

Written By: Julia Terstriep, LMFT-A Supervised by Kirby Sandlin Schroeder LPC-S, LMFT-S

Gridlock vs. Perpetual Problems in Couples

Did you know that 69% of problems are perpetual problems? What does that mean? According to a study by Gottman and Gottman, 69% of couples’ problems have no resolution and 31% of their problems are resolvable. Looking at your own relationship, do you find yourself arguing over the same issue over and over? With zero headway being made?  Just more hurt feelings and anger which can lead to a painful impasse. Gridlock. 

The goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue.

Problems that Lead to Gridlock

In counseling, the goal is to manage conflict rather than solving the problem because the majority of the time there is no solution. Even in the healthiest relationships, most conflicts are not resolved. The problems remain perpetual and couples learn how to live with them or become gridlocked. Another obstacle is simply a mismatch of conflict styles. One partner may be an avoider and the other a pursuer. We all know what this looks like.

Wife: “So you’re just going to let our son go to baseball practice after he failed English?” 

Husband” “Yes”

Wife: “So he gets a privilege? A reward? And You’re the hero again?”

Husband: “ He needs an outlet.” as the husband walks away to the bedroom.

Wife: “ If baseball was so important to him he would pass his classes….” as she follows her husband and continues, “We go through this every grading period since he was 10 years old…….

Husband: “I am not having this conversation again” and closes the door 

We can see where this is going. There is clearly a mismatch in conflict styles. There is clearly a long standing disagreement regarding grades and extracurricular activities. Couples can become entrenched in their respective positions. Refusing to engage in give and take. When in gridlock,  it is important to explore each other’s values in a position. 

“Why won’t he/she budge on ___?” 

And they may be surprised by the answer. There are reasons why certain values are important to us. And they often differ from our partner’s values. And that is ok. But have we explored why our partner finds certain values important? Can we put on their lens for a minute? Can we try and understand why they will not budge? And then can we compromise? Compromise does not always feel good. It can feel as though we are not winning or not being heard.

How to Unlock Gridlock

One of the hardest things to do is to come to some sort of acceptance of the problem. This can change the level of frustration. Without making some sort of peace with the problem, it can lead to emotional disengagement. The problem will remain gridlocked and couples will continue to hurt and vilify one another. 

The goal is not to solve the perpetual problem but to lay the groundwork for dialogue. Honor each other’s values. Turn the focus to exploration and understanding one another. Use your friendship to uncover emotions and underlying meanings regarding the perpetual problem. Compromise. We do not have to agree on the solution because there is not one. In most conflicts there is a conversation that should have been had. Using these strategies can avoid painful exchanges and icy silence. Wouldn’t it be nice for the couple in this scenario to be prepared for the next grading period? 

Written By: Jenny Cantu, LPC

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