Archive of ‘Conflict’ category

3 Strategies to Setting Clear and Effective Boundaries

1. Keep it short and simple

When setting boundaries for kids and teenagers, you want to make it easy to remember, easy to reference and repeat. “Please be home by 9pm” or “No friends allowed at home if we aren’t home”, instead of “It probably makes sense that you don’t have anyone over for tonight, we are going to be gone until 10pm and there won’t be anyone here to supervise you and your friends”. We often fall victim to explaining the boundary as we are stating it. Explaining why the boundary exists is a valuable conversation to have, just make sure you separate that conversation from the rule/boundary being stated. The more information or discussion being had while setting the boundary, the higher chance for loopholes, exceptions, or power struggles to follow. When you keep it short and simple, you can reference the boundary easier as well, it is easier to remember for the child/teen and less ambiguity.

2. If “this happens”, then “this is the consequence”

If/then statements are much clearer and easier to understand for a child/teenager. For example, “When homework is done, then you can hangout with your friends” or “If you are late for curfew, then you lose your Xbox for tomorrow”. The limit is clear, if a certain behavior is done, then the consequence is clear, whether it be positive or negative. These statements can be quite helpful in avoiding power struggles as well. If you find yourself getting into a power struggle, you can just take a pause and come back to the original limit set, if “x”, then “y”, end of story. Just as important as the content of the limit, it is even more crucial how you say it. Say it with confidence, keeping it short and simple and in a matter of fact way. The stronger you sound when you state a boundary, the less likely there is pushback.

3. Recognize power struggle attempts and repeat the limit

It would be wonderful if there was never any pushback on a boundary or limit set but that is not the world we live in. If you keep getting pushback, that is okay, just stay consistent and maintain your boundary. The minute you start back peddling on a boundary, you are setting yourself up for them to not believe in future limits set or feel they can wiggle out of them. They might even get upset that you are not budging or that you keep having to repeat the limit, that is okay, this is partly why you are reading this, because holding boundaries is not always easy, it takes consistency and is especially difficult if holding firmer boundaries is a new practice. Remember this: each time you set and hold that boundary is an investment, an investment into future limits set, into your child learning that when a limit is set, it matters and an investment into furthering mutual trust between you and your child. 

Written By: Alex Lazar, M.Ed., LPC-Associate, Supervised by Karen Burke LPC-S

Premarital Counseling: Preparing for a Lifelong Commitment

You put a ring on it, you’ve made it Facebook official, and now planning all the wedding details is in full swing. Marriage is an exciting time; the venue, the décor, the celebration, and the honeymoon! Another key part of making a lifelong commitment is preparing for the future of your relationship. Premarital counseling is an excellent way to launch a lifetime of love. With the guidance of a counselor and a program created for couples, like SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts), you and your partner can create a personalized roadmap for a strong, passionate, and successful relationship. 

Proactive Plan for Succuss

The research supports the positive impact premarital counseling and education have on the future success of a relationship. Getting pre-marriage training helps lower couples’ rate of divorce by 31% and increases marital satisfaction and fulfillment by 30% (Parrott & Parrott, 2019). Being prepared for marriage is about relational readiness and knowing your strengths, growth areas and creating a roadmap that will help support continued strength.

Knowledge is Power

There’s never been a marriage like yours before.

(Les & Leslie Parrott)

Working with a counselor and taking an assessment, like the SYMBIS assessment, helps arm you with personalized details about yourself and your relationship. You and your partner will gain unique insights that you can leverage to support the type of partner you want to be and the kind of relationship you want to have. During premarital counseling, you will explore topics like:

  • Finances and your money management style
  • Personality dynamics
  • Family of origin
  • Conflict style
  • Communication style
  • Values and spirituality
  • Love languages and intimate connection
  • Longings and dreams

Get Started Before the Big Day

Start now to build a foundation that will last a lifetime. Premarital counseling will vary by counselor, but most take approximately 6-8 sessions (spread over about 2-3 months). If you live in Texas, you can qualify for $60 off your marriage license and waive the 72-hr waiting period when you complete an approved premarital training course with a Twogether in Texas facilitator. 

Throughout the process, you and your partner will engage in meaningful dialogue about key topics and issues couples face. Start building a culture of empathy and appreciation that will help you navigate whatever twists and turns the future holds. Then set sail on a lifetime of love!

Parrott, L., & Parrott, L. (2019, February 28). About – symbis assessment.
SYMBIS Assessment. https://www.symbis.com/about/. 

Written By: Janet Mize, LMFT-Associate Supervised by Kirby Sandlin Schroeder LPC-S, LMFT-S

The Two-house Two-step

Whether recently separated or long since divorced, the transition between parents’ homes is a challenge for parents, teens and children alike. Giving your child as much heads up about when the transitions will happen, how they will happen, and updating them on any schedule disruptions is a great way to start, or reset, the Two-house Two-step. Here are a few other tips on co-parenting through home transitions: 

Clear and Consistent Expectations

Expectations and guidelines might differ between co-parents, but the expectations and guidelines at each home should be clear and consistent. Despite the constraints of two parenting styles, your child gets the benefit of TWO, loving, safe homes.

Create Routines and Lists

Parents and children should establish a drop off routine together and allow for adjustments and flexibility along the way. Create a shared list of commonly forgotten/important items of the child’s. Allow your child to edit and update this list freely and clearly reference the list during pack-up/drop-off times. A routine and list provides structure and helps build your child’s trust in the transition process. 

Give Grace

We all know how stressful a move is for an adult. For some children, the two home shuffle can feel like a lot of mildly stressful mini-moves on a set schedule. Even with a great transition plan and the most responsible children, expect there will be the occasional forgotten item when transitioning from home to home. Give your child some grace when things are forgotten; their brains are also transitioning! 

Validate Their Feelings and Model Problem Solving Skills

Identify comfort items and important, unduplicated items such as schoolwork. Validate your child’s discomfort and any other emotions they are feeling as a result of forgetting to transition an item. Of course it’s frustrating your teen forgot to bring a project due tomorrow but they remembered to bring their phone and 3 backup chargers. Of course it’s frustrating when your 9 year old forgets their soccer jersey the night before a game but remembers to bring all their Halloween candy. Instead of another lecture about remembering important items, consider modeling adaptability and problem solving skills. Calmly talk through your options with the child on whether retrieving the item is appropriate and feasible. 

Recap Your Time Apart

Establish a pick-up ritual with your child. Children may feel they are “missing out” on fun activities or bonding that happens while they are at their other home. Spend a few minutes recapping your time apart and talk through any upcoming events or reminders. 

Communicate With Your Co-Parent

Avoid using your child’s possessions as a co-parenting weapon. If a consistent pattern of forgotten items presents itself, please consider contacting your co-parent when neither of you are with the child, such as during the school day, to come up with a solution. 

Written By: Natalie Sowinski LMSW, Supervised by Julia Small, LCSW-C

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