A common question I get from parents is, “How do I get my child to do things on their own?” Many parents feel stuck in a cycle of constant reminders and frustration. They repeat themselves over and over, only to give in and do the task themselves because it feels easier in the moment. But what parents really want is for their child to develop the skills to be responsible without being told. Encouraging self-responsibility in children is one of the most helpful things we can do as parents. It promotes self-confidence, competence, positive self-esteem, and independence. It also means you don’t have to feel so exhausted from repeating yourself or constantly doing things for your child that they’re fully capable of doing on their own.
As Dr. Jane Nelsen, founder of Positive Discipline, perfectly says: “Never do for a child what the child can do for himself.” Below are some reflective questions and simple ways to begin building self-responsibility in your child.
Parents: How Can You Step Back?
One place to start is by asking yourself: Is there something I do for my child that they can actually do themselves? Maybe it’s doing their laundry, packing their lunch, or staying up late to help them finish homework. These are great opportunities to reevaluate what responsibilities you can step back from and shift to them. It is never too late to set new and clear expectations for both you and your child. All new things take time to get used to, so give yourself and your child plenty of patience during this period of change.
Encourage Independent Decision-Making
If your child tends to rely on you to make decisions for them, this can be a perfect opportunity to encourage independence. Children learn by doing, and learning to make their own choices and experience the outcomes is part of that process. This might look like having them pick out their clothes before school or take charge of packing their own lunch. These shifts help them build autonomy and confidence in their ability to manage their own responsibilities.
“I’m Bored—Fix It!”
Does your child frequently get bored and expect you to fix it for them? This could be a sign they’ve come to rely on you to solve their discomfort, rather than learning how to navigate it themselves. One activity I like to suggest is creating an “I’m Bored” list. Sit down with your child and come up with 10 things they can do the next time they feel bored. Post the list in a common area where they can easily see it. That way, the next time boredom strikes, you can direct them to the list you created together.
Reflect Instead of Rescue
Many children, especially those who tend to worry more, often look to their parents for constant reassurance. As a parent, it’s natural to want to comfort them, but too much reassurance can unintentionally make their worry worse. What I often see in my clients is that worry needs a place to go, and parents usually become the default container. My kind and firm suggestion is to give yourself permission not to carry your child’s worry for them.
Instead of rescuing them from every uncomfortable feeling, try reflective listening. Observe their emotion and name it aloud in a calm, empathetic way. You might say something like, “I see that you’re worried about your upcoming test. I know math can feel really tough for you,” or “I see that you want me to fix your worry about a forgotten assignment. I can’t fix it for you, but I can help you. Do you have any ideas for how to get your work turned in?” This helps shift the dynamic, giving them space to process and problem-solve with your guidance.
Start Them Young
Self-responsibility can begin as early as age three. At this age, children typically have a good grasp of language, can express their feelings, and are starting to problem-solve in simple ways. Giving them small, manageable tasks like putting away toys or helping set the table lays the foundation for confidence and independence. Helping your child develop long-term skills takes time, especially if you and your child have been operating the same way for a long time. By building self-responsibility in your child, you give them the feeling of competence, and in return, you receive the gift of watching them grow into someone who believes in their own capabilities.
