Fall means back to school. Back to school, unfortunately, also means a notable uptick in suicidality among school age children, specifically teens. [1] Probably one of a parent’s worst fears is losing their child to suicide.
Over the past several years, more awareness has been brought to the topic of teen depression and suicide., However, the world has also endured a global pandemic; the U.S. has experienced a dramatic increase in gun violence in schools; and teen exposure to social media means they are constantly perceived, perceiving, and tuned in to social and political unrest on a global scale.
As a therapist who has sat with suicidal teens and their parents, one of the things I’ve seen parents struggle most with is “What do I say to my kid? How do I get through to them?” While there is no manual for your specific child, this blog is meant to give you a primer on the prevalence of suicide and a few guidelines to keep in mind when caring for your kid.
A Short Brief on Teen Suicidality
Here are some facts parents should know about suicidality in teens2:
● Suicide is the second most common cause of death in youth aged 10-14.
● About 20% of high school aged youth report seriously considering suicide.
● 30% of adolescent girls reported seriously considering suicide (2011-2021).
● 45% of LGBTQ+ youth reported considering suicide (2011-2021).
● In 2021, 57% of girls, 29% of boys, and 69% of LGBTQ+ youth reported persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness.
● Being a person of color (black, Hispanic/Latinx, Asian, Indigenous, etc.) significantly increases risk of suicidal ideation.
● Increasing access to mental health care––and talking openly about suicide, risk factors, and how to handle if they or a friend feel suicidal––significantly decreases risk of attempted or completed suicide.
1“Children’s Risk of Suicide Increases on School Days,” Tyler Black, Scientific American: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/childrens-risk-of-suicide-increases-on-school-days/
2“More Than 20% of Teens Have Seriously Considered Suicide”, Stephanie Pappas, The American Psychological Association: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/07/psychologists-preventing-teen-suicide
While the above are “facts” as they have been gathered, it’s important to take them with a grain of salt. I find it hard to believe only 29% of boys have persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, and much more likely that boys are simply less willing to report those feelings. I also couldn’t readily find reputable and easily digestible data on other demographics, such as neurodivergent or disabled youth. The above is useful information to contextualize a bigger discussion, but really what I want you to take away from those facts is this: feeling suicidal is exceedingly common in teens.
Assuming you already know your child is depressed or suicidal, it’s also important that you know the statistics and risk factors for teen suicidality in order to know what’s at stake and the ways you might be able to support them in regard to their specific experience.
What Do I Say?
Depression and suicidality feed on feelings of guilt, sadness, loneliness, and worthlessness. While there are other feelings and beliefs that can come with depression, those are the big ones. Any approach to suicidality must involve undoing those feelings to allow for different ones to come through.
1. Keep your language focused on your child.
It only makes sense, as a parent, that you hurt when your child is hurting. Knowing your child is suffering to the point they would want to take their own life can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, grief, confusion, and anger. Sometimes, those feelings want to slip out, and parents end up taking it out on their teen. It could be in the form of a question like “What did I do wrong?” or even a lament like “You were such a happy kid.” Those words hold those completely understandable feelings––they also guilt the teen, which only increases feelings of depression. As a parent, it’s your job to be taking care of both you and your teen. Give yourself a separate space to speak your emotions away from your teen, so that with your teen you can speak words that are meant to comfort and support them, rather than putting the focus on you. Some great examples of supportive statements would include:
● I know you’re suffering right now, and I want you to know I’m here to support you through it.
● I can share the weight with you if you let me; lean on me when it feels too much.
● If you need to talk, I will listen without interrupting or contradicting.
2. Reassure your child that their safety matters above all else.
Often, depression and suicidality come with feeling like a burden to your loved ones. This can be compounded if the teen has needed a parent’s support enacting a safety plan and changes to the home/daily living have been necessary to assure their safety. As a parent, you are tasked with walking a tightrope between validating your child’s feelings and also reassuring them that you don’t view them the same way as they view themselves. Some suggestions on how to hold that balance can be:
● I know you feel like a burden; I’m here to remind you that, even if you feel that way about yourself, I don’t feel that way about you.
● Your safety matters more than anything to me. I am happy to make changes if it means keeping you safe.
My personal favorite example of this came from a parent who said, “The worst outcome is the one without you in it.” The teen on the receiving end had a hard time sitting with the message, but they could not refute how genuine their parent was in that moment.
3. Let go of the need to fix it.
I’d argue this is the most important one. It might also be the most difficult. You are your child’s first problem solver. You’ve done your best to learn and meet their needs their whole life. You might’ve scared away monsters under the bed, kissed away the hurt of a nasty fall, and been the chest they cried into after a hard day at school. You are the ultimate fixer, and yet this is a problem you absolutely cannot solve. It can take a very, very long time for someone experiencing suicidality to leave that place, and there’s never a guarantee that they won’t go back as life presents new challenges. You cannot fix it. You cannot make it go away. And worst of all, trying too hard to do so can reinforce the message to your teen that there’s something “wrong” with them that needs to be fixed.
While you remember this, also remember feeling suicidal is so lonely. While you can’t “fix” the problem, you can undo a lot of that loneliness your teen is likely feeling by being willing to sit with them in their sadness and not jumping to “making them feel better” or “cheering them
up”. Replace whatever need you have to make the big, sad feeling go away and sit in the knowledge this is a part of your child. This is who they are right now. Like with any other stage of their life, learning about it, spending time with it, is essential for your child to feel accepted in their entirety. Yes, it could (and hopefully will) change later on. But later on, is not right now.
4. Remind them of how important they are.
Depression and suicidality can make a person feel as if they have nothing to offer or contribute to the world. People fail to notice all the ways in which they make the world better by being in it. It can be helpful to people struggling with depression and suicide to be reminded of the ways they make the world better when they can’t do it for themselves. And the thing is, while you can talk about how much your life is enriched by your teen being in it, directing their attention to other examples and relationships that you observe them in can make those connections in their brain even stronger. For example:
● Your ____(sibling/friend) seemed really happy you hung out with them yesterday.
● ____ came up to me earlier and told me how grateful they were for your help.
● ____ is really looking forward to going to the movies with you this weekend. They said they’ve been wanting to go with you for weeks.
Sometimes teens are teens, and they might not exactly receive the message as gracefully as you might like. If they ask you to stop, choose to be curious about why, and consider asking what makes hearing positive things about themselves so hard. Your teen’s therapist can support you on how to engage with your specific child on that front.
All of these suggestions are just that — suggestions. Always follow the recommendations of your teen’s therapist and collaborate with them on how best to support your child. Find your own words to say what you need to say in order to get the message across to your teen. And model for your teen what it’s like to not give up.
Mia Mattingly, LPC-A, Licensed Professional Counselor-Associate
Supervised by Lauren Masciarelli, M.A., LMFT-S, LPC-S
