Emotional regulation is not just for children and teens; it is for us too!
School is about to start, and we all know what that means: rushed mornings, full calendars, last-minute homework reminders, and a constant feeling of “go, go, go.” The start of school can be tough for families as we move away from the freedom of summer to schedules and routines. Over the years, I have written many blogs about the back-to-school season helping parents prepare, plan, and support their kids through the transition. This year I wanted to focus on a foundational skill that comes up with parents in session again and again: emotional regulation. I work with both children and parents on the importance of regulating emotions because, as we all know, it is a practice that requires ongoing effort. We can all recall moments of feeling out of control or overwhelmed and, inevitably, when we react from that place, someone around us usually gets hurt.
My kind reminder for parents this new school year is to focus on responding with emotional control versus reacting out of frustration. I first learned about this distinction from Dr. Dan Siegel’s book The Whole-Brain Child. Dr. Siegel explains that our brains are wired to react automatically when emotions run high, but when we pause to respond, we engage the parts of our brain responsible for thoughtful, compassionate decision-making.
A reaction happens quickly and is often defensive.
A response requires a pause and considers the impact our words and actions will have on others. Below are a few examples I have heard from parents who struggle with responding in the moment:
Your child is late for school and blames you for not waking them up sooner.
● Reaction: “I already woke you up and you fell back asleep. This is your fault, not mine! Don’t get an attitude with me, missy!”
● Response: “I understand you are frustrated about being late. When you get home from school, let’s make a plan together for waking up earlier.”
Your child has several missing assignments and is at risk of failing. They get upset at you for not helping them.
● Reaction: “Why are you blaming me for your missing assignments? I have reminded you over and over to stay on top of your grades!”
● Response: “It sounds like you are unhappy with how your schoolwork is going and your current system for keeping up with assignments is not working. Would you like my help coming up with a new plan?”
Your child gets in the car without saying hello, eats the snack you brought without a thank you, and starts texting.
● Reaction: “Um, hello! No thank you or anything after I brought your favorite snack?”
● Response: “I missed you today! I know you might be tired, but I would love to hear at least one thing about your day.”
It is important to remember that it is okay to express feelings of frustration or anger around your child, but we have to pay close attention to how we express it. If your child struggles with emotional regulation, they are looking to you as a model for how to handle big feelings. When you react instead of respond, you may unintentionally model the very behavior you are hoping to change. However, if you take a moment to respond thoughtfully then you get to show them the benefits of emotional regulation in real time.
Take a Moment and Reflect:
● Do I notice how quickly I jump to anger when my child blames me for a problem?
● Do I get defensive when they are having a bad day?
● Am I modeling the skills I want them to have?
Responding instead of reacting does not happen instantly. It takes awareness, practice, and patience. As we step into another school year filled with busy mornings and inevitable stressors, I encourage you to notice how you communicate with your child and think of ways it could improve. By doing so, you show your child that thoughtful responses are grounded in deeper connection.
