Tell us a little about yourself
I founded Austin Family Counseling as a way to help more families find peace and joy. I truly hope that you will find AFC to be a caring and hopeful place for you to work through the pain, sadness, loss, or struggle that brought you to us. My own life journey inspired me to help others, and I am so thankful that I get to work each day with people like you who have the courage to change. I graduated from the University of Arkansas with a B.A. in Psychology and later obtained my master’s degree in counseling from St. Edward’s University here in Austin. I’ve been in private practice since 2008, and I’m in the process of advanced training as a Positive Discipline Trainer Candidate. I work especially well with teens, young adults, families, and parents. As a mom to two little ones, I truly get that parenting is messy and hard and very challenging work, and yet, it can bring me so much joy!
What is Positive Discipline?
Positive Discipline is a model based on Adlerian Psychology. It can be used by parents, teachers, couples, business and community leaders to learn to create responsible, respectful, and resourceful relationships in their communities. Based on the best-selling Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and co-authors, this model can be applied to both children and adults to become contributing members of their communities.
The premise of this model is to help people find a sense of belonging and significance following FIVE CRITERIA:
- Helps children feel a sense of connection. (Belonging and significance)
- Is mutually respectful and encouraging. (Kind and firm at the same time.)
- Is effective long-term. (Considers what the child is thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about himself and his world – and what to do in the future to survive or to thrive.)
- Teaches important social and life skills. (Respect, concern for others, problem solving, communication, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community.)
- Invites children to discover how capable they are. (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy.)
What made you decide to get certified as a PD trainer? How were you introduced to PD?
My mom, a public-school teacher for 37 years, told me about Positive Discipline when I was a graduate student in 2004. She loved the model and used it in her classroom and as a parent during my tween and teen years (she says it “saved my life”!). I didn’t end up picking up the book until I was first working with teens in my private counseling practice in 2008. I was immediately drawn in and started sharing Positive Discipline for Teenagers with all of my clients’ parents – I had finally found a model for parenting that aligned with more core values! In 2009, I had my son, Cash, and that’s when I started going through the training, facilitating classes, and working toward becoming a trainer. 10 years in and I still learn new things every day with Positive Discipline.
What makes PD different from other “parenting strategies”?
The two elements of PD that make it unique from other models and strategies that stand out the most to me are…
- Positive Discipline focuses on the future and finding solutions – when we make mistakes, we can learn from them and make different choices next time. Other parenting models tend to focus on the past and consequences (sometimes called punishments), which means they “pay for their choices” rather than learn from them.
- Positive Discipline is about “aiming for improvement, not perfection.” Thankfully this means we celebrate mistakes as “wonderful opportunities to learn” and acknowledge often that perfect parenting doesn’t exist. This is great news to me as I can often feel overwhelmed by the idea that parenting is a life course I need to make straight A’s in!
What mental health challenges do you see the pandemic bringing up for kids and families?
The biggest surge we have seen in kids during the pandemic is anxiety. Unfortunately, anxiety has been on the rise for many years, and the pandemic has escalated it for many. My take is that our kiddos crave routine and predictability, and with COVID we simply don’t know what is going to happen one day to the next. Not only that, but we may know people who are sick or even those who die from this illness. The good news is that adversity can also foster resilience – we know that beautiful things can come from terrible situations. By checking in regularly with our kids and creating a safe environment for them to express all of their feelings – worry, sadness, anger, disappointment, etc. – we can help them move through this difficult time with stronger “muscles” for coping in difficult times.
What are some PD strategies parents can implement to support their kid’s mental health during this challenging time?
The two tools that come to mind as the most helpful during this time are Family Meetings and Routine Charts. I am actually presenting on this topic at the Positive Discipline Association Fall Conference on Saturday, November 7, 2020.
I thought we could include a few FAQs. These are some I gathered from my network. I thought we could pick a few (even just 1 or 2, I know there are a lot)!
Question: Our extended family has had drama because cousins/ grandma are on very, very different pages, how do you explain to kids that everyone makes their own decisions to be safe/ sane etc. The psychology of this thing is creating deep rifts.
Two strategies that come to mind for helping with this topic:
- Use the “bubble” metaphor – with kids of all ages, I suggest families use a bubble as a way for kids to imagine the boundaries around each family. Draw or write the names of the people in your home in the first bubble, and from there go through the important folks in your life adding their bubbles to the drawing. From there you can show how the bubbles may sometimes overlap, creating “exposure” to the COVID-19 virus, and creating a larger bubble of people. The more people in the bubble, the more exposure. You can show how your family is more isolated so as to avoid being in a larger bubble, and how others are venturing out more and expanding their bubble. Don’t be afraid to be honest with your kids about the virus – they are hearing many things and the more they can talk to you and ask questions, the more likely they will be hearing the answers that match best with your personal family values. You might say “every bubble has to make the best decision for their bubble” or “grandma and grandpa have decided to keep their bubble completely closed for right now, and we want to respect that so they feels safe, even though we may miss them very much” or “your Aunt’s bubble is bigger because they have chosen to attend a friend’s wedding together with their families – we have to wait to see them until their bubble is smaller.”
- Practice empathy every day. Use books (HERE is a sample list of picture books) movies, podcasts, and tv shows to check in with your kids. Great questions could include…
- How do you think that character is feeling?
- How might you feel or act if this happened in your family?
- Do you ever feel like he does? When was the last time?
- Can you imagine a way to help this person?
- I wonder how they made this decision. Do you know?
Empathy allows us to “get into the shoes of another” and feel how they might feel, and by doing so, we can respect when others behave in ways that are different than ours, or have different values, for example.
For families that want to hear more about PD and my journey, I was interviewed on a podcast last year: https://readysetlove.com/podcast-lora-ferguson-positive-discipline-parenting-kids/
**This interview took place in 2020 and therefore may contain information that is no longer current.
Lora Ferguson, LPC-S, Founder & Co-Director of AFC
