I was recently asked by a friend how they should word an email breaking up with their therapist. “Breaking up” with or “terminating” sessions can be a hard and vulnerable thing to do, so I’m here to help with some ideas if you find yourself in this position as a client.
Ideally, ending therapy is something that is decided mutually between you and your therapist, and is a goal that you work toward together over multiple sessions. A solid goodbye with closure and an exit plan tends to feel better for both parties than what I call an “Irish Goodbye” (when you just leave and ghost your therapist forever). The hope that every therapist has is that if there is an issue with the therapist or therapeutic process, that it can be worked on in sessions and ideally overcome. But sometimes an in-session and mutually-agreed-upon goodbye isn’t attainable or realistic, so this guide is more for the person who just needs to send a goodbye text/email to break off therapy.
I’ve organized these ideas for breaking up with your therapist based on the potential reason for leaving, as that would change the verbiage needed (in my opinion). The basic building blocks for breaking up with your therapist are 1) to be clear about canceling sessions moving forward, 2) some inkling about why you’re terminating therapy, and 3) (if you do plan to return eventually) make it clear if you’ll reach back out when you’re ready/circumstances have changed (so the therapist doesn’t keep you on an email list and bug you after you’ve clearly left) or if you want them to reach out (“can you send me an email in a month to check in with me?”)
Financial or Budgeting Concerns?
“Hello [therapist’s name]. I’ve been looking at my finances lately and have determined that I’ll need to put a pause on sessions for an undetermined amount of time. Please take me off of your calendar for xx day and any future appointments. If my finances change in the future and I’m able to resume, I’ll reach back out to schedule sessions with you. You’ve been such a wonderful help and I look forward to any ways we connect in the future. Best, [your name].”
Not the right therapist fit?
“Hello [therapist’s name]. After some thorough reflection, I’ve decided to seek out therapy with someone who is more aligned with the current goals that I have for therapy. You have been a wonderful help, and I’m just looking for something else at this time. Please take me off of your schedule for xx day and any future appointments. Wishing you the best, [your name].”
Not the right time for therapy anymore?
“Hello [therapist’s name]. I’ve reflected on my [emotions/circumstances/situation/etc.] and have decided that I need to gain some tools on my own for being ready for the therapy process. As it is now, the process is a bit much and so I’d like to pause our sessions moving forward. You’ve been a wonderful help and I bet I’ll reach out in the future when I’m ready for therapy again. Please take me off of your schedule for xx day and any future appointments. I wish you all the best, [your name].”
Therapist wronged you somehow and it is repairable?
**Maybe you don’t want to just come out and say it in person, and a heads-up text feels safer
“Hello [therapist’s name]. In our interaction when I talked about [x], I was dissatisfied with your response, and I’m left feeling like there is a rupture between us. I’d like to spend some time in our next session discussing a possible repair to move forward with each other, but if the repair feels incomplete, I may need to pursue therapy elsewhere. Thank you and see you on xx day.”
**This example is usually the one that fits if you are a parent that is dissatisfied with the progress in your child’s therapy. It’s probably time to ask for a parent session if you’re drawn toward this example:
“Hello [therapist’s name]. I’m not seeing the results that I’d like for my child. Can we schedule a parent session soon to discuss their progress and ways that I can be assured that there is progress happening?”)
Therapist wronged you somehow and it is irreparable?
“Hi [therapist’s name]. I’ve reflected on our interactions lately and have decided that I’d rather not pursue our therapy relationship moving forward. Thank you for your assistance and kindness. Please take me off of your schedule for xx day and any future appointments. Thank you, [your name].” (And on another note, if they did something that feels unethical or illegal, you can report them to their licensing board for disciplinary action.)
Again, I highly recommend having these types of talks in session with your therapist, as that means you both get some awesome closure and hopefully have brainstormed an exit and possible return plan together. As therapists, it’s our job to always want what’s best for our clients, even if that means the best doesn’t include us! I hope this was helpful for breaking up with your therapist, and I wish you the best of luck!
Kaity Dallas-Smith, NCC, LPC, LMFT
