We’ve all been there, trying to support the children in our lives as they deal with rising anxiety. It’s hard to know what to say or do when we see them struggling.
The words we use and the way we respond carry a lot of weight. They can help your child regulate their nervous system, calm their body and move through a tough moment. Our first reactions matter, and paying attention to them is the first step toward showing up in a calmer, more supportive way.
So, I want us to slow down and take an honest look at how we tend to react when a kid is stressed or anxious.
Some automatic responses might be:
- “Don’t worry”
- “Trust me, it’s not that big of a deal”
- “Just calm down”
- “This is all in your head”
- “Stop stressing about it”
- “You’re fine”
In attempting to reassure, instead we can end up minimizing or dismissing what the child is experiencing. Let’s be clear, it’s not something we do on purpose. Our intentions are to help.
But think about it. Responses like those above teach them not to trust their own experiences. They teach them to shut down their emotions and tell them that they are overreacting. And ultimately, these responses won’t do anything to actually make any of their anxiety go away.
Regardless of what is causing the anxiety, your child, and more importantly their brain, is interpreting something as a legitimate threat. Is it logical? Perhaps not. But the part of our brain that utilizes logic has nothing to do with the part of our brain that’s hardwired for survival. And survival is the number one priority.
Let’s look at some examples. Turning a library book in late isn’t a threat to safety. Might there be consequences? Sure. But they are likely to be small and come with a tangible finish line. They aren’t going to be linked to survival.
Yet, we might feel sick to our stomachs when tasked with returning it. Our heart might start pounding, we might feel shaky, and it can get hard to think and speak clearly. Our brain is reacting to what feels like an unsafe situation. Those reactions are what feel like anxiety, fear, anger and many more complex emotions.
Similarly, a pop quiz likely won’t tank your teen’s grade (at least not permanently). It won’t make them fail the class, that won’t lead to them being unable to graduate, which won’t mean they’ll never accomplish their goals in life. But our brain has picked up on the discomfort, it’s rang the warning bell, and it full force goes into protector mode. Rumination, emotional distress, and physical symptoms of anxiety then become all consuming. This can happen to adults too! Especially if you have experienced something traumatic in your past.
Where this can become an issue is in the behaviors that follow. When a child (or a grown adult for that matter) is constantly feeling out of control, it is frequently their response to either do all that they can to prepare for any given situation, or to find a way to completely avoid it. This is where small worries can become powerful ruminations, where perfectionism might start to become a standard resulting in feeling stuck and inadequate, and where one might turn inward and start to isolate themselves.
INSTEAD
Verbalize what you’re seeing.
Help them put words to what might be going on in their bodies and in their heads.
It may feel silly at first, but this is actually a technique encouraged by neuroscientist and parenting expert Dr. Daniel Seigle. He calls it “name it to tame it”. By slowing things down for them it allows for their prefrontal cortex to come back online. This increases their ability to comprehend what is going on and make rational decisions on how to move forward. It also helps them learn to practice identifying difficult emotions in the future.
Here are some examples of what you might say to your anxious child instead:
- “I understand why you might be anxious. Let’s take a deep breath and work together.”
- “What can I do to support you?”
- “Let me hold onto those worries. If there comes a time where we need to do something about them I will let you know.”
- “This feeling will pass.”
- “You are in a safe place and you are loved.”
- “Let’s think of some of the things that could go right.”
Now, do we need to have these memorized so we can get it right every single time? Not at all. But when the intention is there, and you are open to shifting your mindset a bit, it could very well help things go much more smoothly in your child’s life, and subsequently your own.
Pro tip: This is where all those coping skills therapists talk about so much come in!
For example, in moments of more intense anxiety, it may be helpful to offer a distraction to help regain control of that prefrontal cortex. One of my go to’s is ABC categories. To begin, can you think of an animal that starts with the letter A? How about B? And so on throughout the entire alphabet. It’s not a solution for their anxiety, but if they’re willing to try it can help their nervous system start to regulate.
If you’re curious about any of the above, I encourage you to speak with your therapist! I guarantee they will have many more skills to suggest, for both you and your child.
To learn more about what is happening neurologically with your child, The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel is an approachable read that can offer some insight.
Written By: Katelynne McDaniels, LPC-A
