Hello friends! I am passionate about working with children of all ages, but I find that preteens especially experience many complex transitions that serve as catalysts for their future growth. In particular, most children ages 9-12 begin puberty and therefore begin exploring their sexuality*. I wish to provide a helpful framework for parents in preparation of their child potentially “Coming Out” as a member of the LGBTQ+ population so that they may best support their child with compassion. Try to remember the 3 L’s when your child opens up to you: Listen, Learn, and above all Love.
*NOTE: In this article I may discuss specifics related to being transgender, which is a part of
gender identity and NOT sexuality. However, I believe most of these points would also be helpful
for supporting a child coming out as trans.
Your Child Is the Expert
As someone that mostly works with adolescents, I know one of their biggest complaints is that they feel like adults “never listen!” In vulnerable situations such as revealing they identify as LGBTQ+, preteens will already fear judgment and cruelty from the world around them. Therefore, aim to be a safe space where they can speak freely about their life’s changes. Whether your child shares a ton of information all at once or maintains a guarded demeanor, it is necessary to let them share at their own pace. I understand that parents want all the answers because they want to fiercely protect their child, but you must accept that it is not possible to know the future! Kids might change their mind, they might not, and they might face uncertainty at every turn that can be alleviated by a supportive parent. In addition, please try not to invalidate their admissions because they are the expert of their own experiences. Avoid comments like “Are you sure?” “You are too young to know what you want” “This is just a phase”. The resulting feelings of judgment from these words can cause irreparable damage to a child’s self-esteem and the parent-child relationship.
Support Through Action
The next important step of supporting your LGBTQ+ child is openly displaying your acceptance of the community. While you might already know the term “ally”, to actually be an ally to the LGBTQ+ population one must be prepared to learn inthe face of their own discomfort! That means educating yourself on your child’s identity and the community as a whole (do not force your child to be the source of your education). This acceptance can be shown in attending Pride events, supporting queer artists/businesses, and volunteering time to organizations fighting LGBTQ+ persecution. In addition, let your child HEAR you be an ally: make it known that you do not tolerate discriminatory language, laws, or treatment of the LGBTQ+ population. Call out prejudiced politicians and be prepared to defend your beliefs to extended family or friends. This modeling of acceptance will be priceless to a child feeling alone in their struggles.
How to Show Unconditional Love
The most important step in supporting a child coming out and exploring their queer identity is to love that child. I want to remind parents that your children cannot read your thoughts to see how much you care about them, and how you would do anything for them no matter what. Preteens experience high levels of insecurity and perceived judgment, so they require consistent validation and affirmation to truly feel that love. Besides simply saying “I love you” (but please say this a lot!), your compassion can be shown in your common habits. For example, parents can take their children shopping for gender-affirming clothes or self-care items that do not fit society’s norms. You can discuss their dating life casually in the same way you would if they were cisgender and/or heterosexual. Finally, you can discuss your rules and boundaries for safety in dating relationships and emphasize that these rules are put in place because you love them so much. Preach acceptance at every turn, show up for your child where it matters, and treat them with the same level of kindness you have since they were born.
When Additional Resources are Needed
Even if you provide a nurturing environment for your LGBTQ+ child, it is okay to admit when you need more help. There are support groups for parents of trans children that can help educate you and build community, and it might be helpful to pursue your own individual counseling to process these changes. Look out for warning signs of mental distress in your child and refer them to therapy and/or psychiatric care as indicated. If you discover your child is being victimized at school, do not hesitate to intervene through the proper channels and possibly change schools if safety is at-risk. Overall, being a parent means trying your best and accepting that things will never go perfectly. If your child comes out to you, be prepared to welcome them with open arms.
Informative Resources:
https://youth.gov/youth-topics/lgbt
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/identity
https://www.outyouth.org/caregiver-support-groups
Written By: Jennifer Sacco, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
