Occasionally, I’ll have a person come into therapy and say something along the lines of, “Sometimes, I just feel like life is a little more intense for me than it is for other people.” The “intensity” of the human experience is something that is impossible to quantify. But for people who have the Highly Sensitive Personality (HSP) trait, there might be something here.
Psychologist Elaine Aron coined the term “Highly Sensitive Person” with the publication of her book by the same name in 1996. In the book, Aron argues that there is a subset of people (about 20% of the human population) who are more strongly affected by other people’s moods, their environments, and sensory stimulation than the average individual. These types of people are often labeled “empaths” by those who appreciate their emotional intelligence, but “overly sensitive” or “touchy” by those who don’t quite grasp their experience.
The HSP “trait” has been identified in a number of scientific studies that focus on how people process information. However, some people in the mental health field take issue with the term, as it shares overlap with other presentations that fall under the umbrella of “neurodivergence.” It’s true that HSPs’ high sensitivity to sensory stimulation is similar to the experience of those with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and sensory processing disorder (SPD). And hyper-awareness of others is often a symptom of having survived trauma.
So why should the term “highly sensitive person” remain relevant? For those who don’t fit an ASD, SPD, or other readily identifiable “diagnosis” (or even for those who do, but who still want to name their sensitivity as an important piece), having a term that accurately describes their experience can provide meaningful insight and comfort.
So – are you an HSP, or do you have an HSP in your life?
If so, you’ll likely have found that HSPs are notoriously good listeners, friends, and not infrequently, make their way into the helping professions. HSPs’ tender hearts are often what drive humanitarian causes, advocate for marginalized communities, and sit with people in their hardest moments. HSPs are frequently artistic, creative, and have a connection to the vitality humming in the background of daily life.
There are some challenges that come with being an HSP, however. HSPs are uniquely poised to be overwhelmed by the stimulation of the modern world, with all of its loud noises, fast movement, glaring screens, and city smells. The onslaught of media that floods our phones – with news about the political landscape, climate change, and global suffering – is a lot for anyone, though particularly so for the HSP. And when one of their loved ones is hurting? Or when they feel they’ve acted out of alignment with their values? An HSP is likely to feel that blow extra intensely.
So, what can you do to support the HSP in your life? Below, I’ve outlined seven ways you can show up for the sensitive human in your world (even if it’s you). These tips could be useful for anyone, HSP or not, but may be extra important for a sensitive soul:
1. Support in setting and asserting boundaries.
Show up to that holiday party with your HSP buddy and after a couple hours, he’s ready to hit the road? Remember that his nervous system might be overwhelmed right now. In order for your friend to show up as his best, most attuned self the next day, he might need to head home soon. Could that feel disappointing? Sure. But you’ll be supporting your friend in staying aligned with himself by not putting up a fight when he goes. Furthermore, your friend may be more likely to make plans with you again if he knows that his boundaries will be respected.
2. Honor alone time.
This is similar to the point above. The HSP’s nervous system is taking in and processing more information than the average person’s on a given day. For this reason, they may need more time alone to fully recharge. Try not to take this personally, and know that when they come back to you, they’ll likely be more present. Additionally, intentionally unstructured alone time – in which the HSP can follow spontaneous impulses and feelings – may be particularly beneficial.
3. Provide sensory comforts.
Because HSPs are so sensorily impacted, offering physical comforts can be a boon. Got an overworked HSP coming home from a long day and an eternity in traffic? Asking her if she wants a cold drink and a quiet room away could be a huge relief for her.
4. Avoid pathologizing language.
As stated above, many HSPs have been told throughout their lives they are “overly sensitive” or “thin-skinned.” This shaming language may make a sensitive person feel self-conscious about their trait, or trepidatious about being vulnerable. Honoring both the challenges and strengths of the HSP, without negative labels, is a better way to know and support their whole person.
5. Quality time that prioritizes quality over quantity.
Because HSPs are emotionally attuned individuals, meaningful time spent with their loved ones can be extra cup-filling. Carve out time for this, and consider the setting – i.e., more intimate might be better. An HSP may prefer laying on the couch and having good conversation together on a biweekly basis, as opposed to getting coffee at a loud shop once a week. And as with all humans, each individual is different.
6. Help identify areas of flexibility.
HSPs’ energy levels are more likely to fluctuate with the changing nature of their environment, which means it can be helpful to have areas of flexibility in their lives. Oftentimes, rigid schedules pose a challenge for the HSP. Of course, there are some things that just have to happen and stay the same. Work starts at 9am? Need to pick up the kids at 4pm? Those things probably can’t change. But could gym time happen anytime in the afternoon? Great – allow for that wiggle room where possible.
7. Listen and validate.
You don’t have to understand the entirety of a person’s experience to validate it as real. When a person is feeling overwhelmed, oftentimes the most supportive thing we can do is just be with them.
Highly Sensitive People are important people to have in a society, and we have much to be grateful for in knowing them. Which sensitive human in your life might benefit from a little extra understanding this week?
Elaine Aron’s book that started the conversation:
