Back-to-School Essential: Self-Compassion

Summer has ended and the first days of school have begun. For some, it means schedules will become more consistent and predictable. For others, it means surrendering to the system of bell schedules, social activities, and deadlines.

As a therapist who works primarily with students, I spend a lot of time processing their feelings about summer’s end with them. There are many conversations surrounding the disbelief that their break is already over, the desire to participate in more hobbies or optimize relaxation, worries about peer relationships, or managing coursework. When I talk to these students’ parents about school starting, those conversations are equally emotionally driven — centered around work-life balance, guidance around peer relationships, or figuring out the best ways to create boundaries while also fostering independence.

In my sessions, I toggle between these two perspectives and think about how this time of year brings up a lot of feelings. I can’t help but think about the different needs of both of these groups and the undeniable fact that the transition from summer to school is not always smooth going for parents or students.

For this school year, whether you are a student or a parent, I want to impart a back-to-school essential: self-compassion. You may have heard about self-compassion on an Instagram reel or in a parenting podcast, but what does it actually mean?

A Little Bit About Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher who has studied self-compassion for more than two decades, describes it as simply “the process of turning compassion inward.” In other words, it is taking some of the patience and understanding that we might naturally offer someone else who is struggling, and offering that same care to ourselves.

At its most basic, self-compassion means being able to notice this is hard for me right now without immediately following that thought with ways to diminish or suppress our feelings, such as: I shouldn’t feel this way, I need to get over it, or what is wrong with me? Compassion asks us to confront our own pain without adding another layer of judgment to something that is already difficult.

The Three Parts of Self-Compassion

Neff describes self-compassion as having three main components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self-Kindness

This is how we respond to ourselves when something is difficult. Instead of immediately criticizing ourselves, we try to respond with some warmth and understanding.

Common Humanity

This is recognizing that struggling, making mistakes, feeling overwhelmed, and not having all of the answers are part of being human. We can be quick to think that everyone else has somehow figured out the magic answers to all their problems, but that could not be further from the truth.

Mindfulness

This is our ability to clearly pay attention to what is happening within us. It is the ability to recognize I’m anxious right now without catastrophizing it into everything is going to go badly. Or I made a mistake, without allowing that mistake to become I am a failure.

When we give ourselves compassion, we are acknowledging the hard parts of something and then offering some care to the parts of us that are struggling. It doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine or giving ourselves permission to avoid responsibility. A more supportive response to failure can actually aid in learning from our mistakes and making changes, rather than becoming stuck in self-criticism.

How Can We Use Self-Compassion This School Year?

A Mini Self-Reflection Exercise

Let’s start with a mini self-reflective exercise. First, think about how the last school year was for you.

• Did you consistently struggle in one area?
• Did you feel like all you were doing was repeating the same thing over and over again?
• Was there a final stressor that led you to feel incredibly overwhelmed and incapable of completing even basic tasks?

Now imagine what it would be like to lead with compassion instead of starting with negative self-talk or turning to poor coping mechanisms to avoid the challenging feelings you’re having.

What It Might Sound Like

• For a student, that might sound like:“I’m disappointed about this grade, but one bad grade doesn’t mean I’m dumb.”
• For a parent, it might be:“I didn’t handle that conversation with my child the way I wanted to. I can acknowledge that without deciding I’m a bad parent.”

Making Space for the Hard Parts

The school year is challenging for everyone involved, and I hope these words can serve as encouragement that it is never too late to find better ways to manage stress. I understand that we might not be able to utilize all of the best strategies and tools in the moment. But practicing self-compassion in hard moments can lead us toward better coping mechanisms in the long run.

If we recognize that something is challenging, but we keep trying to fix or solve it through negative self-talk, avoidance, or neglecting our own basic needs, then we can probably guess that those things aren’t really helpful tools. If anything, they offer a temporary fix.

I see self-compassion as a small step toward a bigger gesture: holding space for yourself and your feelings. Giving yourself permission to feel without immediately dismissing or judging what comes up. Then, from that place, decide what you actually need to do next.

As Dr. Kristin Neff puts it so beautifully:

“Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness.”

— Dr. Kristin Neff

I think those words speak to both parents and students.

Whatever the challenge is this school year, I hope self-compassion can be a back-to-school essential that you carry with you.

When You Need Extra Support

If the start of the school year feels heavier than self-compassion alone can hold, you don’t have to navigate it by yourself. Reach out to our team to connect with a therapist who works with students and families.