Archive of ‘Family’ category

Myths About Domestic Violence: Part 4

If you have watched the news lately in Travis County, it was reported that a woman was killed by her boyfriend earlier this week, and that over the weekend a teen male held a shotgun to the neck of his girlfriend and threatened to kill her if she tried to break up with him again. It is clear that the epidemic of domestic violence is still on the rise, and with that truth I bring you the final part of my blog pertaining to myths about domestic violence. Stay tuned for future blogs on the subject – the discussion will not stop as long as the problem persists!

By: Susanna Wetherington, LPC-Intern Supervised by Lora Ferguson, LPC-S

By: Susanna Wetherington, LPC-Intern
Supervised by Lora Ferguson, LPC-S

Myth #12: He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.

Jealousy and possessiveness are common traits of abusive men, and their destructive and coercive behaviors often escalate when their partners attempt to break up with them. This supports the statistic that the victim is 75% more likely to be seriously injured or killed after trying to leave or just after leaving or ending the relationship.

Myth #13: He hates women.

Many believe that abusive men are abusive toward women because they have had largely negative experiences with women in the past, such as having an abusive or overbearing mother. The truth is most abusers don’t hate women – the issue is they do not respect women. Their attitudes toward women fall on a spectrum from being able to interact fairly well with most women (as long as they are not intimately involved with them) to being staunch misogynists who treat most women they come across with superiority and contempt. These attitudes of disrespect tend to come from their culture of values and conditioning, rather than previous negative experiences with women. Research has actually shown that men with abusive mothers do not tend to develop negative attitudes towards women, but men with abusive fathers do – the disrespect shown by abusive men toward their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed and mimicked by their sons.

Myth #14: There are as many abusive women as abusive men.

It is true that there are women who treat their partners badly, from berating them to attempting to control them. However these instances are much less frequent and the instances of physical abuse, including physical intimidation and violence, and sexual abuse are even more rare. According to a report published by the National Institute of Justice, “women experience more intimate partner violence than do men,” with 22.1% of women surveyed reported they were physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabitating partner, boyfriend or date, as opposed to 7.4% of surveyed reporting the same.[1] The same report shows that the majority (64%) of women who were physically assaulted, raped and/or stalked since the age of 18 were victimized by men, specifically a current or former husband, co-habitating partner, boyfriend or date. It is important to note that men can be abused by other men and women can be abused by other women. The key aspects of verbal and emotional abuse, specifically using sarcasm, put-downs, twisting everything around on the other partner, and using other tactics of control, are seen in all abusive relationships, whether heterosexual or homosexual.

Myth #15: His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.

The perpetrators of abuse get over the pain of abusive incidents far faster than those they abuse. In fact, abusers often tend to benefit in many ways from their controlling behaviors. Abusers often outperform their victims on psychological tests, such as those given for custody disputes, because they have not been traumatized by the long-term psychological or physical assault they inflict on their victims. Thus, if his abusiveness were truly as bad for him as it is for his partner, you would see him display the same reactions of trauma.

Resources:

[1] Tjaden, P. & Thoennes, N., (2000) Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings From the National Violence Against Women Survey, National Institute of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice. http://www.ncjrs.gov.


Parenting Your Preschooler

Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott’s Positive Discipline views children’s behavior that looks and feels like misbehavior as discouragement, or the feeling that they don’t belong. This paradigm shift can help parents respond in a different way, ultimately changing the child’s behavior and the parents’ feelings of frustration, anger and helplessness. In this article, we will focus on parenting the preschool-age child, but most of the concepts can be applied loosely to all age groups.

By: Jennifer Alley, LPC

By: Jennifer Alley, LPC

Part of successfully responding to your child’s “misbehavior” is to understand the meaning behind the behavior. Children generally want to behave well and when they aren’t, it’s usually with good reason. For example, they may be acting out to get more attention (which means they want to be noticed and involved), to gain power or control (they want to help or be given choices), to get even or have revenge (they are hurting and need their feelings recognized and validated), or they have given up (they need to be believed in and shown in smalls steps how to be successful).

Another important tip for parenting your preschooler is to be consistent with your expectations. Respond kindly and firmly to negative behavior. Children don’t understand when you are inconsistent or when something is sometimes okay and sometimes not because you are too tired to enforce a rule. Let your love for them be evident in the way you interact with them (be explicit about your love and care for them).

Redirect instead of using “no when possible. Instead of telling your child what not to do, share your expectations or what they can be doing. You might ask for their help or turn tedious tasks fun by making up a competition.

Encouragement and recognition motivates children to continue behaving in positive ways and will get much better results than scolding or only paying attention when your child does something “bad.” Praise your children for positive behavior, and build on their strengths.

Because children are emulating the behavior they experience at home and with important adults, focus on your own responses and behaviors. If your goal is to raise a respectful, caring, responsible adult, you must model these behaviors when with your children (toward them and others). Instead of punishing your child in the heat of the moment, it can be helpful to take a time out yourself to collect your thoughts, calm down, and then thoughtfully respond to your child.

Developmental Considerations for Preschoolers:

  •  Until age five children are much more interested in what/how they are doing something rather than the goal or outcome. Be patient and give children time to be process-oriented when possible. When you are running short on time, set clear (but kind) expectations ahead of time to improve cooperation.
  • Recognize your child’s physical perspective and limitations to increase feelings of competence and to decrease frustration. For example, buy a footstool to allow your child to wash his/her hands independently. Or, get down on their level when you are having a conversation with them instead of talking down to them.
  • Children have a difficult time understanding the difference between what is real and what is not. Instead of disciplining children for what might be perceived as lying or for developmental difficulty in understanding reality versus fantasy, try to accept your child’s fears and listen to his/her feelings.
  • Mistakes are inevitable- strive to recognize your child’s mistakes as an opportunity to learn.
  • When your child does lie (which they may do at this age), listen and avoid shaming or punishing. Fear of punishment or shame often encourages children to lie! Instead, work with him/her to understand the truth as well as the value of honesty. And remember to model honesty yourself.
  • The preschool years often bring questions about anatomy and defining who they are. When asked, try to remain calm and approachable. Use accurate terms when describing anatomy, but avoid giving a great deal of detailed information about sexuality to small children as they don’t need it at this point.

National Coming Out Day

By: Savannah Stoute, LPC-Intern Supervised by Leslie Larson, LPC-S

By: Savannah Stoute, LPC-Intern
Supervised by Leslie Larson, LPC-S

Did you know that October 11th is a significant day in LGBT history in the United States? According to the Human Rights Campaign, Every year on October 11th, the United States celebrates the LGBT community with National Coming Out Day. If National Coming Out Day is new to you, you might ask yourself, “why October 11th?” It turns out that on October 11, 1987, about half a million people participated in the March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. It was the second demonstration in our nation’s capital that resulted in the founding of a number of LGBT organizations, including the National Latino/a Gay and Lesbian Organization (LLEGO’). The momentum continued for four months after this amazing march as more than 100 lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender activists from around the country gathered in Manassas, Va., about 25 miles outside Washington, D.C. Recognizing that the LGBT community often reacted defensively to anti-gay actions, they came up with the idea of a national day to celebrate coming out and chose the anniversary of that second march on Washington to mark it. The originators of the idea were Rob Eichberg and Jean O’Leary. From this idea the National Coming Out Day was born.

Risks and Benefits

National Coming Out Day may give LGBT individuals the confidence to come out to their loved ones, but it’s important to know that not everyone has a supportive experience. There are risks and benefits of coming out, therefore, it’s important to determine what is right for you when choosing to come out.

Some risks you might encounter include:

  • Homophobia
  • Friends may not be supportive
  • Parents may not be supportive
  • Homelessness
  • You might get asked a lot of uncomfortable questions
  • You might lose friends

Some benefits of coming out:

  • You won’t be afraid of people finding out
  • You will have a chance to live authentically
  • You can receive support from LGBT Organizations
  • You will have the opportunity to make LGBT friends
  • You can be a role model for other LGBT youth
  • You may have improved self esteem

Deciding when to come out

  • Be comfortable with who you are. When deciding to come out to your loved ones, it’s important to become comfortable with yourself before you begin to tell people. If you are confidant in yourself, you will be comfortable with the processing time it takes your loved one. You will feel more comfortable when answer questions and clarifying the process if necessary.
  • Take your time. Don’t feel forced or pressured to come out by others. If you feel like people know and they are just waiting for you to confirm, let them wait. This is your journey and your life. Don’t let someone else’s expectations dictate your coming out experience.
  • Find a safe person. This may be a friend, family member, or a counselor. Sometimes finding someone safe for the first time you say “I’m Gay” out loud makes all the difference for your confidence.
  • Choose a safe moment and place. Deciding to come out to your family at your cousins wedding may not be the best idea. If you decide to come out, pick a day, time, and place where you and the person you are coming out to will have time to process this new information.
  • Be patient. Allow your loved ones time to process this new information. Not everyone will be surprised or shocked, but there will be some people that didn’t see this coming. Give these individuals the time and space to come to terms with this information. Your family and friends might have some difficult questions for you. Help them understand where you are within the process and then allow them the chance to take their time. It might be hard for a dad to hear that his son is gay, then the next day get introduced to your boyfriend. Ask your family members how comfortable they are before you start adding on more information. Coming out as LGBT may be something you have been processing for years, so giving you family and friends’ time to process will be beneficial as well.

The process of coming out to your family and friends can be difficult. You may feel scared and uncertain about how your loved ones will react. Joining a LGBT support group will help you hear how others have dealt with the coming out period. Counseling can also be helpful during this time. If you find a counselor that is knowledgeable and sensitive about coming out as LGBT, you can process what it’s like during this time and have the support that you may be lacking.

NCOD logo designed by Keith Haring

NCOD logo designed by Keith Haring


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